I've Always Been This Awkward - Ten


I had originally planed to introduce about a dozen of my closest friends to all of you but once I got into this random exercise I realized that, 1) I don’t think I have a dozen friends in total and, 2) It’s easier to focus on just a couple of people, in depth. It’s just easier that way. I’m the King of Ease. Maybe I'm just a bit lazy.
And this is no disrespect to Saty or Joey or Rene or James or Jon or DGJ or Mikey K. or Mac or Ross or Timmy Lee or Dan or Gary or anyone else I love dearly (okay, I could've hustled up a dozen, sue me). Seriously, no disses. Nor is this any sort of “Bros before Hos” kind of thing, believe me. You know I loves me the ladies. Each and every single one of you and your lady parts and your lady ways and how you…sashay and look oh so...uh,I, uh…. Sorry.

It’s just the people I’m focusing on here—who just happen to be fellas—I really feel I know (meaning they know me). And share the same values with (meaning they’re just like me in most ways). And I get their jokes (meaning they think I’m funny). So there you have it, it is all about me.

I’ve decided to introduce three of my oldest and closest friends. These are the people whom would offer refuge to me as I would to them. These are The Dudes from the smallest of times. These are my pallbearers. And as pallbearers they can share carrying the ratty cardboard box of my ashes someday. They can even use it as an ashtray if they want, I won’t care because I’ll be dead. If I randomly get chosen as a Captain, and I get the first three picks, these are my picks.

These are the brothers in absence of actual blood siblings. Bros before heaven knows.

Three dudes: Dave, Mark, and Rich. Big Dave Wave, Creed, and the Reverend Dickey Powell DJ Richey-Scratchy von Otter Ricky. No stories, just the essentials today.

What you need to know about Dave:

Met Dave in college. We were bound to meet someday. It just works that way sometimes. Smarter than probably 95% of all humans, Big Dave Wave (Mark named him that) has either figured it out or is about to take it apart so he can figure it out. Most people don’t 'get' him because he exists in his own dimension, on his own plane. And if you don’t have the wherewithal to invite yourself into his universe don’t expect an engraved invitation. He’s not the type to wait for your stupid RSVP.

Like most big cats, he is curious (sometimes to a fault), he is agile (surprisingly fleet afoot), and possesses wicked stealth (just appears like magic). He is surprisingly physically powerful. He can be ferocious too. Don’t force him into any “situations.”

He can push buttons and skirt boundaries with ease and with much joy. Dave is transparent to an unusual degree. Honest. He has a very difficult time with personal pretension or filters and he is not tolerant of stupidity. No need to worry though, he’ll tell you if you’re stupid (and how stupid you are).

He’s sensitive yet he’s pretty goddamn hard. If he likes you, he’d take the bullet. Probably the most all-around talented person that I've ever met (or will ever meet).

What you need to know about Mark:

I met Mark in college. Realistically neither one of us should have been there. Trust me. Circumstances. Creed is the epitome of what’s known as “The American Dream.” Dude just happened to do everything right in his life. Don’t be fooled by his I-just-lucked-into-it act because dude worked for every scratch he's taken. Right wife, right career, right community, right set of values, right kids. I would give a lung to have the same ability to make such sound and decisive choices (even though he claims to struggle with each and every one). The man is solid.

Fiercely protective of family and equally protective of simple “right or wrong” principles, Mark is model father, husband, and citizen. In a mope-filled world, the kid sometimes struggles to reconcile that he is simply a better person than most and is deserving of every luxury, perk, and accolade he’s received. Again, he worked for that shit. Like America, to the hardest workers come all the spoils. Get used to it, mopes.

Although he hasn’t figured it all out he is on the cusp of just that discovery. Mark is the New America. Do not try to block his path though. If he doesn’t bowl you down, Marnie will (as the self-perpetration of sound choices).

Probably the person I would be if I could be anyone (and he can mountain bike like a motherfucker).

What you need to know about Rich:

Immediately we knew that it was a thing. We just needed the time and the space and off we went. Richard is and always has been an old-ass man. Not the decrepit, senile, flaccid kind of old man, but the wise, tolerant, generally correct, badass type (erect). He is the kind of old-school, old-head gentleman who always knows what he likes and is willing and patient enough to wait for it. Never in an obvious hurry, he’s probably the least impulsive person I’ve ever met. Everybody fucking loves him and his act and he knows it.

While he knows how to follow all the rules—and has mastered the appearance of doing just that—the man knows most of society’s pressure points because he’s studied all of history’s fault lines. Rich is an Eagle Scout (‘nuff said). He was raised in a pretty boy world but he’s nobody’s pussy. Just test him. I fucking dare you. He exists in a real world of solid citizenry and is a gentle yet subversive being. Someday he will be the elder statesman, probably sooner than he thinks.

Mostly, and most surprisingly to many people, the dude can be straight up raw. Probably the deepest person I know (who feigns that "who me" bullshit facade as art). The other half of tKoL.

And that’s the three I chose to focus upon today. I hope you see why. Why am I introducing them now? Well, I'm bound to reference them again sometime and they're dudes you need to know. This is my team. Your pick. What do you have?

But I bet you're asking, "What do these guys have in common?" Good question (and an even better observation). Are they homos? No! Are they retards? No! Are they Puerto Rican? No! But, Ty, what are they? They are funny. They are smart. They are good looking. They are complex. They are solid. They are the Legion of Rad.

These are my friends. I hope they like me too. Represent, bitches!

I've Always Been This Awkward

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