Ask Ty...July 29

It must be Tuesday, Middlespacers, because I'm answering your questions

Q: When I works with the pretty girls of the opposite sex, I wants to fuck them all. Whens they looks at me, I cant's hide it. What's shoulds I do?

- Creepin' Out Da Ladies

Ty: Good question and an even better observation, CODL. Say hello to my little friend called nature. Yes, put a male (and I'm assuming you are a male) in the presence of females with sex characteristics that said male finds alluring and there you have it. Yes, you do "wants to fuck them all." That's both how it works and why it works. You are a breeder, it's what you do.

Problem is, this sort of unwanted breeder attention is generally not cool in the workplace. In fact, there are layers of rules, regulations, and laws surrounding this very behavior. It is not comfortable to work in an environment where creepy people cannot control or hide their breeding behaviors toward you. You are the office perv. People do not trust you and the womenfolk are frightened of you. Watch their behaviors, you'll see. Better yet, STOP watching them all together, Creepy.

What "shoulds" you do? Here are options how to handle yourself when you are feeling particularly lecherous, as I see them:
1. Read a bible passage. If anything, it should distract you from your own creepiness. People will just think you're a weirdo bible freak and excuse you. They'll leave you alone for fear of religious persecution.

2. Read the Mormon "Guide to Self Control." If anything, it should distract you from your very own creepiness. Yes, amuse yourself with real weirdo bible freakdom and you'll feel much better for being just an office perv.

3. Cut it the fuck out, dude! Gain some focus and concentration and don't be a goddamn creep because word's going to get out around the office that you're the creepy pig in the office. Forget that, it's already out. You have nothing left but damage mitigation. Once rumor spreads you can count the hours until you're "unfortunately terminated" for some unrelated reason (because they'll be too frightened to call you a perv for fear you're just a bible freak). Besides, creep out the wrong woman and you're either going to take a self-defense class kick to the nuts or some big boyfriend named Luther's gonna do it to you in the parking lot. Just stop it! Have some dignity. You creep out someone from my clan and I'monna kick your rat perv ass! Just grow up.

4. Go to your supervisor and tell him or her that you have a problem; that you're a perv. They should be obligated to help you find help. Or maybe they'll just toss your sorry perv ass to the curb (and into a good beat-down). Perv! Get off my blog!
Just a guess,