Cleaning Day - Three Posts in One! Free!

Yep. It must be every other Thursday today because I'm at the other coffee shop. The hired-gun cleaning people are at my house/office/studio. Right now someone is changing the sheets on my bed and using my new $35 moisturizer as elbow grease. I'm sure they know where all my vices are cleverly hidden. Maybe I can ask them if there's some I've forgotten about. I'd tip nicely for that. Speaking of my house, since we were having a bunch of work done on the exterior this summer I didn't spend a lot of time landscaping this year. I didn't fertilize or mulch or pay much attention to details. I haven't even watered. This morning I went out to trim some bush (since the workers are painting trim now) and you know what, who needs to fertilizer or water? It's like Vietnam around the Otis Studios. I took a cognitive step out of the situation and was a tiny bit embarrassed by the state. It's not like Roddy's house or anything but let's just say it was a tiny bit overgrown.

Speaking of cleaning house, let's clean out the old Middlespace/Ty Hardaway™ dot com mailbag. And remember, I've warned all you people and I'll do it again, if you mail it to me and don't tell me not to post something, I might post something (and edit it to fit the mythology).

Here we go:

1) A Slight Correction
"Tyrone Satterwhite - This is the man for whom I was named for. He was my father's heroin-addicted cousin...." [clicky]

"You were not named after Tyrone Satterwhite, that's a myth. However, I knew him well but didn't even know then that his first name was Tyrone....

When you were born, I chose the name Tyrone for you. Tyrone was for the famous actor Tyrone Power [clicky] who was my adopted mom's favorite actor. James, your middle name was for your dad as I wanted his name in there somewhere but didn't want it to be your first name. I personally thought Tyrone was a very strong name and therefore chose it for you. It's a myth that you were named after some junkie relative. I wonder if there's any more myths I can clear up for you??"

- Middlespacer Mom
Mooooooooommmm!! C'mon, stop it! My friends are reading. They're going to think I'm a total dork!

When you are a big-time blogstar like me (Hi, Ze Frank) and your mother is your number one fan (just like you), you are bound to be corrected on occasion (and reminded to wear a jacket on cool evenings).

Oh, that was you? You named me Tyrone James, huh? Well, I stand corrected. But, don't you think that being named after a junkie relative who overdosed when you were a young child is a much better story? I mean it's kind of cool to be named after a handsome golden age of Hollywood actor and all but it doesn't have the same grit and urban cred.

Not only do I have much mythology to continually create and propagate but junkie cousin is one of those things that gives one opportunity to blame others for future adult woes. You know, "Oh, I'm such a bad citizen because I was named after a junkie. Bwaaahhhh!" You can get first-time offender probation for that shit. Actually it was my belief that Satterwhite was the origin of my name.

The entire gist of the Middlespace Industries of America/Ty Hardaway™ dot com Empire is based on a certain mix of legend, myth, and self-promotion. Of course, this machine only runs on the premium grade $5/gallon fuel of you, the fans, my Middlespacers. Buy stuff.

2) Missing the Dead
"You're not supposed to say things like this because it's rude and is cause for a jinx, but: I don't miss anyone who's dead yet."

- Middlespacer Anonymous
No lie, butterfly. Didn't you know you're supposed to miss the dead, silly? After all, they all lived such short lives and have so, so much more to offer. How sad. :( At least they're in a better place. As far as jinxes are concerned, that's just nonsense. Jinxes are like gods, demons, unicorns, dragons, clean politicians, hot streaks, fairies, and black swimmers. It just don't exist.

So, yeah, when Dave the Proctor died I felt what must have been what guilt feels like because I was all relieved that he was gone, but not happy. Just relieved. Not necessarily relieved that he was dead but just conveniently not around anymore to get all up into my situation.

I can say, however, that I miss a couple of people who are dead but, really, there's nothing you can do. So it's not like missing a kidney or a pancreas. It's not like missing your girlfriend whom you're going to love forever and if we get through this summer apart we're going to get married and have babies and live in a huge house at that beach in the mountains until we die together at the age of a million. Knock wood.

3) Politico Pandering (kind of an "Ask Ty")
"Any thoughts on the Rev. Jesse Jackson saying he'd like to cut off Obama's balls?"

- Middlespacer $50,000
Ha-ha! Is that what Rev. Jesse said? Ha-ha! That's some funny shit. I hadn't heard that. I had to read around on the interwebs (where I'm your #1 webstar) to get context for that. I just did that very thing. Yeah, Jesse's got a mouth on him, don't he? But you got it all wrong, Fifty Grand. What Jesse meant was that in order to compete for the New York Times Elitist voters, Obama should take the TruckNutz off of his pick-up. Jesse was offering to do it for Barack ("...cut his nuts off..."). Jesse doesn't want too many potential donors to think that Obama is some kind of redneck red state inbred freak. Jesse is just trying to help.

Here's a video of Jesse and Rev. Al helping: [clicky]

I came into this so-called controversy a little late. Politics is crazy. I don't have to outline what I mean about that because you know since only people at the top 5% IQ level can even log into the MOIA/Ty Hardaway™ dot com network. Seriously, I had it set like that (it's a dashboard setting; did it myself).

How crazy is politics? One word: FISA. Is that a word? And since you are all so brilliant, I needn't spell out what FISA is. But just let me say this: Who's your turncoat now, liberals? Uh, didn't Barack publicly poo-poo FISA? And didn't, just yesterday, he vote to authorize it? Huh?! Maybe there's a little bit of mercury in that Chinese-made American flag lapel pin he so proudly wears now. Ha! Who's got "Hope" now? Who's got some "Change?"

Even John "Elmer Fudd No Change" McCain conveniently missed that (yet another) vote. He was too busy taping his face back together so Satan doesn't seep out.

Let's cut to Gail Collins who wrote an Op in today's elitist New York Times Op/Ed section on the matter, "The Audacity of Listening":
"My name is Chuck,” he said, grinning an infectious grin. “I’m planning to devote my entire life to saving endangered wildlife in the Antarctic. In five weeks I leave for the South Pole, where I will live alone in a tent, trying to convince the penguins that I am part of their flock. In the meantime, would you like to go out?"

And the funny thing is Hillary is even worse (but at least she voted against FISA authorization) and Johnny Sidney McCain is worsER than her (and was smart enough to get a chemo bath rather than vote yesterday). Errrrrrch!! <-- Locking brake/tire skidding sound. Liberal?