Ask Ty...July 22

It must be Tuesday, Middlespacers, because I'm answering your questions

Q1: I find white Jesus Freaks annoying. I find them to be dangerous and manipulative. I get uncomfortable when they start talking about their relationship with Christ. I look down at them because they're sooooo wrong and I'm 100% right. And they have snakes!

I find Mexican Jesus Freaks a little scary. I can't quite get my head around Mexican Jesus so he scares me. Mexican Jesus is part voodoo (with all the candles and such). Like, I don't know when snakes are going to jump out his eyes and anyone who would worship that sort of thing just makes me stand a little further away. I stand just beyond what I assume to be flying snake trajectory.

I find black Jesus Freaks adorable and sweet. When they talk to me about their relationship with Christ, I think, "Isn't that nice?" When they ask me if I have found Jesus, I say. "I should. I really should." And I think "Jesus IS really interesting. I should check him out." But I won't until his teachings come out in magazine form. Or until they make him feel less like homework. And do something about the snakes.

Am I a racist?


White Atheist

Ty: Good question and an even better observation, WA. You are exactly right, context can frame your perception or experience. That is, change one characteristic of a Jesus Freak and you have a completely different character or experience. Same with bums. See a white bum and you offer some spare change because you have pity on someone who by virtue of his skin color could have been anything they wanted; captain of industry in Birmingham or beauty salon owner in Dubuque. Your hope is that the white bum invests wisely and digs himself out of his bear market blues. Truly.

Mexican bums are just funny, because they’re always drunk as hell and will dance if you ask. They wear their colorful sombreros and serapes and sweat profusely. You never have to give ‘em any money either. They'll accept a sloppy, “No dinero, amigo!” You see, Mexican bums don’t need money, silly. They have a Jesus who can shoot snakes from His eyes. Yikes!

You see a black bum and you cross the street because he’s gonna be crazy and violent and call you swear names like “fuck ass” or “cunt bitch.” The black bum is likely to take all of your money anyway.

And Jesus Freaks with all their snakes and voodoo and stuff…. C’mon, you have to admit it’s all quite funny because they’re so delusional, all of ‘em, white, Mexican, black all with their "Gwaaain' up to Heeeaven" acts. But, aren’t the black Jesus Freaks just so cute with their forgiveness of everything from slavery to the systematic judicial and socio-economic injustices thrust upon them by virtue of their skin color, huh? It’ll all be better in heaven, right?

Do not be frightened of the Mexican Jesus Freaks. They have bitchin’ candles, images of virgins on their cars and stuff. Tattoos. Mexican Jesus Freaks rock, dude! You get mugged by a Mexican Jesus Freak and all you have to do is blabber something about the holy mother and guilt and shame on the tears of the baby Jesus and blah-blah-blah and you’ll still be robbed, but you probably won’t be killed. How rad is that?

But, yeah, white Jesus Freaks are to be feared. All of ‘em. Redneck ones. Rich politician ones. Boo! They’re coming for your souls you Arab heathens. 'Nuff said. I'm too scared.

Anyhow, are you a racist, WA? Of course you are! You’re also an Atheist. And that’s what’s funny! You’re going to hell. Me too!

Just a guess,


Q2: Is that guy from Carnegie Mellon with the pancreatic cancer dead yet?


Curious in California

Ty: Good question and an even better observation, CC. Yep. Randy Pausch sure is dying. At least that’s what the wiki tells me. He’s toast sooner than you and sooner than me. And it's too bad.

But, a better question and an observation you failed me on is this: Why was this guy and his mopey lecture so damn big of a hit in the first place. Everybody dies. I mean, blah-blah, I have cancer, whaaaaa, you should live every day to its fullest, whaaaaa. What, I need some guy named Randy to tell me this. Randy? Have you seen his hair? Please.

We’re all dying. Do I have to give some "Last Lecture" like two years ago and keep living? He seems pretty well to me. Let’s pray Randy goes to white Jesus Freak heaven (better yet, black or Mexican heaven, it seems more fun). Poor guy, I just made fun of some dude I don't know dying. But, you ask (and, shhh, we're all gonna die, so STFU already). Am I just mean?

Just a guess,


Q3: I cannot tell you how over I am about the New Yorker cover “scandal” – you know the one that featured Michelle and Barack Obama. My initial reaction was (1) Obama can handle it and will turn it into a positive and (2) it is much better to get that shit out now, before the convention even, and force the conversation. I've had some friends blast the NYer, but then when I tell them (1) and (2), they say, "Oh, yeah."

I'm not black, however, and I did hear one black columnist lambaste the NYer, pointing out that it perpetuates the racism that he has had to live in his entire life. I can't see it through his eyes, so I had to accept his point of view.

And you?

Dan in Massachusetts

Ty: Good question and an even better observation, Dan. That shit was funny, yo! Liberals have to be able to take a little joke. They are and have been 1000% more harsh towards Bush, Cheney, Rice, Rummy, etc. Big deal, right? Casting stones or some shit.

It's nothing. It's good in fact, to get that shit out now--AS THE JOKE IT IS.

Of course he can handle it and SHOULD have had his campaign snicker something like this:
"Obama spokesperson Ty Hardaway said of the matter, "Yeah, that shit was funny, yo! At least people can now see this whole politics of fear nonsense for what it is: satire. I implore voter to pick up a copy, check out that hilarious cover and read the articles inside about Senator Obama."
I'm black (at least partially) and see it as this: "That shit was funny." Here's my personal and professional point of view, "That shit was funny."

Obama should have said, "Ha! Bring it on" and ran off with a watermelon and a leg of fried chicken, bugging his eyes out (coveralls and white gloves optional). Oh, don't get pissy with me. It's satire.

Just a guess,


Q4: What ever happened to Whabadoo and Babadoo?

Dave in Florida

Ty: Good question and an even better observation, Dave.

The brothers’ Whabadoo and Babadoo were featured characters on the Middlespace Live blog in March and April, 2005. Middlespace Live ran from 2002-2007, was joined by the Rhinoshnort Highway in 2006 and the two merged into Abnormally Keen Despair this year. The brothers Whabadoo and Babadoo as well as all the web logs listed are all part of the Middlespace Industries of America family of products on the computers. But you can access it all--for free--at ty hardaway dot com. Go ahead, it's okay. Really.

Dunno what the hell Whabadoo and Babadoo were. I'll have to read it again myself (from the bottom, blog style, holla!). OK, I just re-read it and I officially conclude that I don't know what the hell that was about. Any guesses? Let me know. Am I nuts or is it just me?

Just a guess,