Mope Squad America! Punk or Poser

So I go out to get a nice cup of tea and there's this kid, maybe 20 or 23 or so, and he has a kick ass spiked Mohawk. The thing's at least a foot high, stiff like a fan, kind of green, and the kid's sporting the requisite clothing and 'tude. This kid is getting the entire community in an uproar. He's...he's punk! Lock up your babies.

Whatever, right? Punk is going to be with us for every generation as a phase. As a thing some kids do 'cuz they hate "the man." There's always going to be kids in their Doc Marten's, pinning shit with safety pins, and flying anti-authority scowls. Some are genuinely troubled or rough. Some will break shit and fight. Some are in costume and are afraid for their own shadow. It's like dressing up like a pirate. No killing. No raping. It's just for pretend.

This kid, though, struck me as not your typical poser, unfortunately (and unfortunately I didn't have a camera with me), but he was kind of his own uber-poser. He so wanted to be the hot shit but just didn't have it completely in him. I'm sure if you don't look deep enough the heuristics will put one off. But, this kid...c'mon?

I wanted to say, "Hey, you're punk? Really punk? Like a 'punk rocker', right? You ready to fuck shit up, aren't you?" I wanted to break down the ten reasons why he wasn't really punk for him.

It would go like this:
  1. You are fat. Punks aren't fat. They eat like shit and infrequently. Beating ass, running from authority, and dancing all night burns quite a few calories too. Punks are generally rail thin, scabby, and high as a kite all day and night. And speed, cocaine, nicotine, meth, and various other fight inducing stimulants tend to keep you on the slim side, chubbs.
  2. You're eating sushi. Sushi is good. Pork chops are good. Bacon tastes good. But hello? You're with your lady friend (she of facial piercings, black clothing, and wild gesticulation) and you're eating a sushi lunch. You kick ass!
  3. You're drinking bottled water (which I watched you purchase). You aren't sticking it to the man at Starbucks that way, fella. I just don't get your cause, son.
  4. You used the trash can, Mr. Potty-mouth. I thought punks didn't care, man!
  5. Your cell phone is totally weak. A cell phone? C'mon. Can you hear me now?
  6. You were kind enough to blow your smoke away from my direction. You're just a nice kid and not ready to rumble.
  7. Your clothes appeared to be washed and folded (my your mom).
  8. You appeared to be frightened of me. I know I'm all rough and tumble, but you're punk, dude! Don't be scared...I'll be gentle with your 'hawk.
  9. You were discussing classes. You're in school? Ha!
  10. You were gossiping like a haus frau. Sample conversation:
Punk girl answers mobile phone and lies to caller that she's still eating and will call back soon (punk to lie but not punk to offer to call back).

Punk guy: "Why don't you just tell her you hate her."
Punk girl: "I don't hate her."
Punk guy (under his breath and rather passive-aggressive): "I do...."
Not so punk. Just a sweet kid. It's OK...just keep your grades up and I'll allow you to play dress-up, Billy.

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