Quit Frontin': I'm Not the Nanny - This is MY Child

"We may act differen't in some ways
But we're still grouped together like a fuckin' survey"

- from Madness by Deltron 3030

My friend Heidi lives in Texas, just outside of Dallas. She's German and her husband, Chuck, is half-white/half-Japanese (that war-bride thing was large back in the day, shit, white dudes still prefer to go Asian). Whenever I talk to Heidi and Chuck I ask, "why the fuck are you still living in Texas?"

Anyhow, Heidi and Chuck have two kids, 7 and 10. The younger kid looks white like Heidi. The older one looks like...just like grandma. Grandma Miyako, Chuck's mother. The Japanese.

So Heidi's at the grocery store one day and some suburban, giant-headed, Texas cheerleader-looking fat mom-bitch walks up all uninvited and goes, "Ummm-ummm, I just want to say how br-ave you are for adopting a Chinese."

A Chinese.

Heidi was dumbfounded. She couldn't get anything out of her mouth except, "That's my daughter!" Obviously, being totally over-educated like the rest of us, she wanted to give big-hair minivan mom The Skip Gates Lecture about:

  1. ...minding her own damn business
  2. ...these are the children of her very German loins and her husband's very Japanese seed
  3. ...her very smart and handsome husband just happens to be half-Japanese but it doesn't matter that he's "of Japanese decent" "because love is blind!"
  4. know, the bit about minding her own fucking business and poppin' off in the grocery store
But all she could get out was, "That's my daughter!"

Two words: Keith Bardwell.

Here's my point: American isn't binary when it comes to race anymore. I mean it never was, but on the main, it's definitely not black and/or white anymore. There are blacks, whites, Chineses, Japaneses, two kinds of Indians (dot and feather), Mexicans up the ass, and a shitload of other foreign-looking motherfuckers. Given progress and technology and Rosa Parks and Sidney Poitier, all these different people have found ways to hook-up and HAVE BABIES! Even I'm neither black nor white. Look and me (and Obama Hussein): mulattos from back in the day.

Another story: My friend, Ro, is a mulatto too. Her husband is very white. Two kids who look so white too. Of course Ro is always having to say, "No. I do not have time available because I AM NOT A NANNY" like every other day of the week. Presumptions. Makes her mad. She is a goddamn Harvard Economist for G-d sake.

Another another story: When my first and only child was like two weeks old we went on drive to West Virginia, just to get out of the house. We were all at a restaurant and the little girl needed her diaper change. We left the gear in the car so I decided to be heroic dad go change the car. No problem. I try hard and my whole life experience was preparation to be the good daddy. At some point while I was changing my two week-old daughter in the back of our car, I realized that here I was in West goddamn Virgina, a black man fiddling around with a naked and white baby girl. Remember I'm a half-black (Jew) with a all-white wife. The Fear struck me so hard I'm surprised I didn't have a stroke right there. Had some retarded hick sheriff rolled up, I'd probably still be in prison awaiting my execution.

What I'm trying to impart is that that mopetarded tart from Texas was being presumptuous over the fact that Heidi's kid had cute chinky eyes (and even funnier is she speaks perfect English with a slight Texas lilt, tell me Asians with perfect English doesn't still fuck with your head). What I'm trying to say is that we're way past the point where we have to presume, assume, and pair every color with matching color; characteristic with like characteristic.

Like Obama's Attorney General Eric Holder said, "Though this nation has proudly thought of itself as an ethnic melting pot, in things racial we have always been and I believe continue to be, in too many ways, essentially a nation of cowards."

Sorry, Keith Bardwell. You're not only a racist. You're a coward.

Let's become brave again. Quit frontin'!