The Quit Frontin' Rules

So what is the final word on racism at this symbolic end of the first decade of the 21st century? I mean, we’re all post-racial now, right? We elected that Kenyan fellow to be president so everything’s all right now; at least in terms of silly old race concerns we used to have back in the long-expired days of slavery and stuff. Right? Racism is cured like polio and the AIDS. So now we can move on to more important news like the 12-0 New Orleans Saints, or Tiger Woods or something. Isn't there a war or something?

But unfortunately, we still have racism. Always have – always will. Even looking into the distant future it’s still a topic of hip-hop music concern. Look to the year 3030 via the black time travel machine:

Deltron 3030, Madness

Why should I hate you we ain't that different
We may act different in some ways
But we still grouped together like a fuckin’ survey

A lot of white boys like the style and copy
Dig in something deeper and you'll peep that were not free
It's not about the separation it's about the population

[clicky]

See? Racism is still going to be a concern in the year three thousand and thirty!

It is not going away. How many times can I type that phrase? We’re all racist. Period. Post-racism is something between an overly intellectualized construct and flat-out myth. We’re all human and most of us are just simply normal and susceptible to human behaviors. Sorry to be the dude to speak the tr00f because I know it sometimes stings.

Tops on the normal human behaviors rundown is our predisposition for preferences. We all have preferences, individually and collectively. Some people prefer donuts to bagels, Blackberry to iPhone, and Taylor Swift to Kanye West. Preference is a key human feature. It doesn’t make anyone any better or worse, just…different. It's how natural selection works.

Preferences are learned and acquired through experience and exposure. And preference happens to highly correlate with fear and the perception of what is personally and socially “acceptable.” That is, some of our preferences are based on what we hear—as children, say—in our homes and communities, and some preferences are based on real or perceived fears. It all mixes to a dull beige goo.

Although we “ain’t that different” we’re basically all the same.

Being "not a racist" is simply never going to be a viable goal or aspiration in life as preferences will override. That’s why Political Correctness is so annoying and insincere. But being aware that we are racist is totally progressive. Or to restate, “preference awareness” is a significant individual characteristic to possess and exercise. When in a situation, analyze that situation, come to terms with that situation, and move on. It doesn’t mean you have to be a jerk, but thoughtfulness is a good thing. Yes, we may very well discover that we possess racist attitudes during our analysis, but we may also note that our subsequent behaviors were not based on racism because we were mindful of ourselves. I know I possess racist attitudes. So what? But I'm not gonna harsh anyone because of it. I'm in control like Janet Jackson. Dad Rule #1: Check yourself before you wreck yourself.

It is true that race does stand out as our most salient human feature, historically. The color of skin still trumps most other characteristics including sex, orientation, and socioeconomic status. Unless one is wearing a clean room “bunny suit” or a KKK robe, the color of our skin is preference sort number one; our first-pass filter. Only after the color of skin is processed can we then move on to the other filters. Only obvious physical disability (and sometimes Asiatic eye shape and sometimes sex) can even compete with skin color as first-pass filter. Why aren’t we more honest about that with each other and to ourselves?

So where does this leave us in 2010? Where are we, evolutionarily? Sure, attitudes and laws—at least in the United States—are quite different than, say, a century or even a half-century ago. Hell, I couldn’t fully envision a First Black President just five years ago. So we have realized some advances along race terms.

And while our so-called “racial advances” are neato and all, I predict that as we continue to advance along some equality dimensions, we will not necessarily tamp our overall disposition for preferences.

In twenty years, we will happily and legally marry our same sex lovers. We will giddily smoke our store-purchased marijuana in the safety and comfort of our homes without fear and paranoia of arrest. We will laugh at how naïve we were to have made such a big deal over the election of now former President Obama because of his skin color. What were we thinking in the twenty-aughts?

But we are human and we will have preferences. And we're also hardwired for complete harmony either. We may conquer some of the issues related to race, sex preference, and gender, but we will always find something else to beef over. Weight? Region? Educational attainment? Religion (forever)? National origin? In the short term I believe class nuances will be the new frontier for preference squabbles. As more women and blacks, in particular, attain greater and more equal roles in business and government, class will become the new black. The poor will have greater difficulty advocating for needs and desires. I’m just saying.

The term "post-racial" is meaningless drivel. Sure, we are beige-ing down our color differences. But still—as Sammy Sosa and Michael Jackson would attest—preferences are subtle and nuanced and are moderated by a huge variety of other preference factors. Besides, even as we beige-down our color spectrum, this development will only create entrenched and highly defensive positions on the old bell curve extremes. The Purity Anchors will still vehemently argue that racial purity holds some sort of significance (from their camps up in the hills). Preference, my friend, will survive as a lasting human trait.

When I suggest you quit frontin’, what I'm saying is that we all need to pause on occasion and check ourselves. Sometimes we need to stop leaving our systems on autopilot and actually consider the context of situations. We need to not only challenge others, but we need to challenge ourselves. When was the last time any of us got into the beginning of a situation and pondered, what does skin color really have to do with anything moving forward in humankind? When was the last time we actually took our own advice?

Quit frontin’ means we need to get over ourselves and our ignorant notions from days well past. We need to learn ourselves some new things. You don’t have to necessarily go and immerse yourself in uncomfortable or dangerous situations in order to gain knowledge. Don't go out and hug a crack dealer. But maybe we can sometimes also consider the histories, struggles, perspectives, and shortcomings of others (why a kid is dealing crack). Not everyone has everything so figured-out like us.

Some Simple Rules to Quit Frontin' State:

1. Quit Frontin’.

2. Seriously, quit it because you are totally frontin’. Everybody knows it too.

3. If someone tells you to quit frontin’, then you’re frontin’, so quit frontin’ and don't be all pissy about it.

4. Everyone is a racist, don’t lie to yourself. You are entitled to have preferences. Just be aware of yourself as a human.

5. “The only way to stop being a racist is to die. Die before you die. That goes for everybody. Until then, just keep that shit in check as best you can. Try not to hurt anybody. Don’t freak out.” A direct interwebs quotation I read last week.

6. Situations can be more powerful than your individual attitudes or behaviors.

7. Don’t wreck yourself, check yourself.

8. Just quit frontin’!

Thanks. Happy new year. 2010's gonna be real good. Quit frontin'!

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The End - Ty Hardaway dot com
Quit Frontin' Archive [here]

Quit Frontin': Black People Need to Stop Hating on Jews (& vice versa)

Let me riff. Sometimes you hear this from black people when the topic, "Jewish people" arises: "Jews? Humph! Jews are just greedy criminals! They steal everything!" I swear, try it. Go ask five black people about the Jews. I'll wait....

And believe me, there are plenty of ill-informed, thick-skulled, mope-tarded white Americans when it comes to the deal with the Jews too. Go ask any so-called "middle American" in your Midwest or deep south to describe a Jewish person. "Jews? Humph. Jews are non-Christian criminals. They have horns and fangs and they steal everything just like the blacks but without the guns or the malt liquor." Seriously, try it. I'll wait....

Horns?! That's crazy, so let's take crazy whites out of the formula (for now, anyway). Let's talk blacks and Jews.

Well first off, all Americans are pretty fucking greedy, so you can stop using that bullshit as an excuse. You think Michael Jordan or Bill Gates or Bob Johnson aren't greedy? You think that "Shay-Shay" and "Bullet" on the corner "slangin' 'cane" in Baltimore are doing it for the Americorps program? You see Donald Trump volunteering for anything? No, money is The U.S. American Way. Money is capitalism perfected, and greed is its self-fulling prophecy. Thus, greed is the quintessential unifying trait that makes us all "American." Ask some of your prep-school frat-boy friends who were working on Wall Street until just last year. No, seriously, go ask them. They're all working at Panera Bread now. I'll wait....

You want to know why Jewish people are considered to be cliquish and insular, all claiming to be a "tribe" and shit? Because the 5,000-year history of the Jewish people is the history of people being treated like second-class humans, people being enslaved, and people being excluded and persecuted for characteristics they were born into; characteristics completely beyond the control by anybody. And, to over-simplify, being persecuted for practicing elements and traditions of their religion.

Jews have been humiliated, they have been tortured, they have been worked to death, and they have been murdered by the millions. Sound familiar? Just like black people; sold from Africa and into slavery. I'll wait....

Yet blacks and Jews still symbolize one of the widest, most divisive chasm in inter-American relations (second only to the woman/man divide). The irony is substantial, you'd think that the CIA or the OSS had it as an action item in one of their earliest start-up meetings:

"I have a great idea, Pete. We get the Jews and the blacks to hate each other and everything will work out fine for our long-term strategic planning objectives."

It's not a one-way street either. Believe me. Go ask any Jew their opinion of the blacks. 99% will tell you directly and to your face, "Blacks? Humph! Blacks are lazy, under-educated criminals. They steal everything." Try it, it's like a fucking parlor game. I'll wait....

First off, most Americans are pretty fucking under-educated, so you can stop using that bullshit as an excuse as well. I mean, Jesus (no-pun), have you interacted with anyone outside of your hipster, New Urbanist, insular demographic? Ever? Not everybody eats organics or recycles the New York Times or voted for Hussein Obama or drives a crap-ass Prius. Ever talk to the plumber or painter or the housekeeper who you invite into your McMansion? Try it. When your heating/cooling/cleaning folks come over, ask them about Barack Obama or Rush Limbaugh or Afghanistan. Oh, I got it. Ask them about the blacks and the Jews. I'll wait....

In a perfect world, black people and Jewish people should completely--intellectually--identify with the others' experiences. Wasn't the early American deep south and ancient Egypt about 90% analogous? NO one should be tighter than the Jews and the blacks. Really.

The liberal Jews have been the some of the most fervent historic empathizes with black Americans. About half of the civil rights attorneys in the south during the Civil Rights Movement were Jews, but that may be because of the high percentage of Jewish lawyers. Jews were there from start, they helped start the NAACP, and marched in and were beaten in the deep south of the 1960s.

And Kwanzaa is about as clear a replica of Hanukkah as you can get. It's basically the same thing as seeing your successful Jewish mid-life-crisis lawyer neighbor driving his Cadillac Escalade with "mad 24 inch rimz." [His words, I don't type no Ebonics]

As far as I'm concerned, Tyrones & Davids & LeToynieas & Rachels everywhere should just be completely tight. With a little trust and knowledge, we could have a whole planet full of tiny Lenny Kravitzs, Maya Rudolphs, Lisa Bonets, and, Tys. Like, what's more perfect than Black/Jew offspring? BlackJews are all so beautiful, athletic, accomplished, brilliant, talented...and humble. JewBlack is the evolution: Human 2.0.

Not to be harsh but a lot of black people could use a half-way decent education in the deal with the Jews and Judaism. I would say vice versa but the Jews are pretty well-educated in the deal with regard to the blacks, in general. Jews may not trust the blacks but they generally understand the context (although "streetwise" means something very different to each group).

Blacks are sometimes too taken-in by stereotypes and superstitions. Unfortunately, blacks have been, economically, subjected to situations where some Jews have been able to take economic advantage. As you know, every stereotype contains a grain of truth.

Quit frontin' on Jewish people. Let's get along like Rodney King said.

Quit Frontin': Stereotypes are Funnier Now

So we all know by now that progressive black people either 1) totally dissociate themselves from old colored stereotypes or they, 2) totally embrace every old negro stereotype from all of black history; to repossess and thereby own them. There are no shades of gray - only black and white.

You're only going to observe the progressive black be all uppity and politely-but-respectfully pass on the watermelon and Kool-Aid at the synagogue picnic (imagine Condoleezza Rice), "Oh, no thank you very much, but I recently participated in a luncheon and am, therefore, full from eating" or you'll witnes a whole Eddie-Murphy-as-Buckwheat routine with all the "ooooh-wheeees" and "yeeeass lawd, hows I's lubs me some wahmellens" and such (in this case, imagine one Mr. Dave Chappelle). You know exactly what I'm saying.

Oddly, I'm a mix of the two. I'll generally pass on the orange soda and grits for principle. But if it came down to it--to shock and entertain--I can be 110% black-face minstrel show. My existence is classic! You know it is!

And as we've become a nation of PC crybaby coward-patriots, we have also become a nation of liars. We lie as individuals and we lie as corporations. This became clearly apparent when Kentucky Fried Chicken (the KFC Corporation) not only stopped putting the blacks in their ads, but they actually changed their restaurant name--twice!* Colonel Harlan opened up Kentucky Fried Chicken, which brilliantly tells you everything you ever need to know: white man from Louisville sells inexpensive lard-fried chicken. Doy, blacks love it; poor people love it. So what? It's quick, easy, cheap, and tasty. This is America!

Then the company flinched in the PC '90s when they went straight three-letter name calling themselves KFC suggesting that their motto was "Kitchen Fresh Chicken." Kitchen fresh? Haha! I've been in a KFC before. Nice try. I say they flinched because the health conscious weren't going to go to KFC anyway; that move wasn't an overt capitalization on a revenue stream like this year's Kentucky Grilled Chicken! [so it must be good for you]

Then KFC dropped the "kitchen fresh" schtick, and like UPS, the letters suddenly and magically "without official representation." Then, in 2007, they started using "Kentucky Fried Chicken" in company literature again. Like anyone even cares. It's not like KFC's gonna lose or gain 10% in annual revenues by changing a name every other week. Sure a NASCAR driver (code for white) can sell a bit more chicken but let's be candid, aren't poor people and black people the corporate white bread and butter in the fried chicken industry?**

So the white, well-groomed and attired, upper middle-class, suburban advertisement family being so ecstatic that bring-home-the-bacon mom brought home a bucket of thighs n' wings comes across as, what, disingenuous. What traditions does this family have? Some kind of ironic weekly "Darkie Meat" Nite? Do they brown-bag 40s too? Do they wear coolie hats on "Ching-Chong it's Chinese Food" nite? We can go on and on....

Frontin'! Lyin'! Thievin'! Remember back when "SunnyD" and "MickeyDs" were ghetto slang terms that the corporations wouldn't touch?

C'mon, it is perfectly acceptable to put the black people back into the KFC ads, the SunnyD ads, the KooL menthol ads (magazines), and of course each and every one of the Kool-Aid spots again. As far as I'm concerned, nigga™ that shit up to the max (nigga™ as trademarked verb). Not only would it be honest marketing, it would also be funny as hell. NOTHING looks as stupid and as dishonest as white people in a magazine ad enjoying some KooLs.

In fact, and while you're at it, "Madison avenue," it is also now perfectly acceptable for Toyota ads to feature buck-toothed "Japs"; for Kosher National hot dog ads to feature klezmer party music and a violin playing rabbi (who joyfully blesses the pre-wiener eyeballs and snouts); and, for each and every pasta or pasta-industry product ad to prominently feature Tony Sirico as Pauly Walnuts, "Whoa, Tony! Looka at that spread, willya!"

Because. It's. Funny. And there's nothing wrong with funny now that Brock O'Baughmaugh is your friendly president. So as worldwide representative of People of Color (and America's Black Friend™), I grant blanket permission not only for the KFC Corporation to put black people back into their ads but for every merchant of product everywhere to use every stereotype in the little black encyclopedia of stereotypes; riff on the chicks, the homos, the spics, the nerds, and the 'tards. It's okay because this is America. Just don't wear fur, right?

To the blacks and the black elite in particular: you have to remember that all stereotypes are based on smidgens of historical truths else it wouldn't be so stingingly offensive, or so damn funny. Get past it. You're president now. Even Barack does a little shtick here and there; or, at least he did during the campaign. Now he's just boring like white people. So quit frontin'.

And to the PC liberali (code for white): on behalf of blacks, gays, the poor, children, Asians, and every other underrepresented group...c'mon, lobby yourselves up some perspective. Do us all a favor and go spend your free time ironically resurrecting something like bowing or Queens or Pabst Blue Ribbon or some shit.

Quit yer frontin'!

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* Yes, this is an intentional companion to BN's SC piece. So don't even tell me I stole shit. We discussed this.
** And do I sadly need to remind you that poor and black are highly correlated?

Quit Frontin' Black History Mumph

I know it's not February but I'm thinking about Black History Month. But since I historically mix February and November (and vice versa), it only makes sense to discuss today. Plus I'm feeling a little Skip Gates and decided that a hipster lecture is due.

The Wiki says that "Black History Month is a remembrance of important people and events in the history of the African diaspora." For you lowly-educated/third-tier college mopes, diaspora means "a movement of any population sharing common ethnic identity who were either forced to leave or voluntarily left their settled territory, and became residents in areas often far removed from the former." You have your Europeans to the New World, you have your Mexicans to Iowa, and the Cubans to Miami. You get it, blah-blah-blah! And then there's the Africans....

What?! Like Weezie said on the TeeVee's The Jeffersons, "Nigger please!"* Here's my chief objection: "...and became residents in areas often far removed form the former."

*I know I can't use the N-word anymore but, seriously, Weezie said that. It's a TeeVee classic and a direct quotation [clicky, go to 2:00].

Scene begin.

"Hey Kunte, I just read here in today's Gambian Financial Daily that things are really picking up in The New World of America. Perhaps we should buy a vacation house there?"

Scene end.

Diaspora? Population movement, huh? I'm not talking about Hurricane Katrina relocations to Utah or the mass Vietnamese immigration after 1975--where people's lives were saved--I'm talking about the only reason black people are in these United States, and anywhere outside of Africa, in the first damn place (and not just to be the president): Slavery, people. Slavery!

If you do your WikiInternet mathematics correctly, you'll see that Black History Month + Diaspora = Hey, darks, let's take a whole damn month and force you to remember that your black ass was somebody's property to be raped, beaten, and worked like a goddamn robot, ha-ha! We play joke! At least it's the year's shortest month. Thank G-d.

Who's in charge of designating commemorative months, anyway? Apparently, anyone can do it given such commemorations as, Better Breakfast Month (September), Audiobook Month (June), and Mental Retardation Month (March) where, in a perfect world, we'd all get to act as retarded as we wanted. I wouldn't be surprised if the KKK didn't make up this whole Black History Month bullshit just to be jerks.

I say, fuck you Slave Memory Month! I'm over it; I've moved on because Bank of America has foreclosed on your plantation! From today forward, can we stop celebrating this celebration of humiliation, please? It's just insulting, like Morgan Freeman said. [And, yes, Morgan Freeman, there is a Jewish History Month (it's in May). Oh, sorry, that's Jewish American History Month. You can sue me with a Jewish lawyer.]

I get it. I really do. I'm not an insensitive guy [he types as he quietly laughs aloud]. But we just have to take a step back and look at our national black situation. We have to put things in context. Perspective. For a while in the late 60's The Negros were all, "let's name streets and schools and civic buildings after our people too!" OK, look where that got us. Where's the Martin Luther King, Jr. airport? None, right? Sure there are plenty of Martin Luther King, Jr. Boulevards near airports because airports are loud and busy and planes crash near airports. The streets named after black people are generally where the poor people live. And remember the rule: black people usually are the poor people.

How many Whole Foods are on Malcolm X Avenue? Conversely, how many Harriet Tubman rec centers serve neighborhoods with stately McMansions? See? This let's-get-ours-too attitude only segregated us further. If someone tells you that you have to drive down Huey P. Newton Parkway, you're gonna lock you doors and hide your iPod before you exit the freeway.

Looking at February, did you know that it's not only Black History Month? So-called "black history" shares the month with over 25 other commemorations, like (annotated):

• National Sweet Potato Month (yams, seriously?)
• National Boost-Your-Self-Esteem Month (OK, now it's insulting)
• National Canned Food Month (what?)
• National Hot Breakfast Month (good, free hot breakfast programs are cute)
• National Snack Food Month (to follow your free hot breakfast: HoHos!)
• National Dental Month ('cuz a brotha gots ta smile!)
• Return Shopping Carts to the Supermarket Month (I couldn't have made this up)
• Chocolate Lover's Month (once you go black...)
• North Carolina Sweet Potato Month (again, yams!)
• National Pudding-Snack Month (the Coz, really?)
• Creative Romance Month (Mandingo fetish, once you go black...)
• Canadian History Month (along with the Mexicans, the other North American niggers)
• Native American Heritage Month (the original North America nigger)

See what I mean? This commemorative month business is crazy and insulting as hell. The biggest problem with BHM is that all commemorative months and weeks and days are meaningless. Like I mentioned, anyone with a notion can make up, promote, and "celebrate" any damn thing they want. It doesn't demonstrate any sort of Change or Hope® in any sort of real or meaningful terms. I mean, just because it's Return Sopping Carts to the Supermarket Month doesn't mean I have to do that shit. I can leave the damn cart on the lawn next to my old washing machine and my Camaro that I'm gonna fix up if I want. There are no laws or even norms attached to this commemorative nonsense.

Now that we have a famous black socialist president, can't we quit striving and assimilating and just enjoy the fact that we've arrived? Goodbye Black History Mumph, we're post-racial now.

I'm an American. Quit frontin'!

Quit Frontin': Stop Acting Like the Other Races are Fat, Ugly, and Retarded

Dear Mini Hitlers,

Let me say it here first, and if I'm bursting bubbles, well...just consider it to be some tough love on your simple asses. Knowledge is essential in the modern world.

[Sigh] Here goes: There is no master race.

I'll say it again: There is no master race. Not yours. Not (any of) mine. Not his. Not hers. There is no pure race. There is no ideal race. There is no better race. Not Nordic. Not Aryan. Not cradle of civilization. The Japanese are no better than the Chinese who are no better than the Koreans. Canadians are no better than Mexicans and Americans aren't better than either. Oh, see what just happened there? I mixed RACE with NATIONALITY. It happens all of us. We all do it. And there lies one of the fundamental problems of our age.

You see, hate is hate, it's never great. We all act like all the other races are so fat, ugly, and retarded. Just like we act like all the other nationalities are also so fat, ugly, and retarded. Black jokes. Mexican jokes. Polish jokes. And, hell, we do it with religion too. We're just some mean spirited beings. It's way too easy to self-inflate because human nature is easy. You never have to think, and you rarely even have to do anything. Human nature is auto-pilot over Minneapolis. We have to become more cognizant that, in reality, we are all the same. And there lies one of the other fundamental problems of our age.

So quit fucking passively-aggressively acting all superior by treating the other races as if only their race has fat, ugly, and retarded people because your race is equally fat, ugly, and retarded. Seriously stop it. Now, people. Stop it now. "Get along" like Rodney said.

Just the other day I overheard a young Asian woman saying the following: "Holmes? I mean I'd seriously kick her ugly, fat aaassss. I'd whoooop that aaaasssssssss! White people are so fucking stupid!"

What?! Yes, I overheard a second-generation Chinese woman talking like a black stereotype telling a white (probably gay) man that white people are stupid, ugly, and fat and that she desires to cause physical harm to that woman. I am not clear if this is absolutely horrifying or if it's completely incredible; a sign of progress through the magic of assimilation and social parity (rather than parody). And the kicker is my Asian woman subject was large, not good looking, and somewhat dim. See? Fundamental problem of our age.

Did you know that black people have specific phrases they use to demolish white people. Quips like, "no jumpin'" (the athletic ability to dunk a basketball), "no ass havin'," "hillbilly," "redneck," "cowboy," "slow runnin'," "flat-chested," "peckerwood," and "racist." "Racist" is the best...all being racist by calling someone else a racist is the height of ironic irony!

White people have specific words they use to demolish black people too. Well, they have one. One word: "Nigger." Nigger has so much power that it's always the FTW black-demolishing (or ass kicked guarantee) word. Okay, they also use "stupid," "big-lipped," "flat nosed," "big ass," "ghetto," "gangbanger," and "inferior." But nigger still always triumphs because there is no white equivalent. What? Cracker? Really? Honkey? Nope. Sadly, many white people are actually secretly envious of the perceived cred that comes with ghetto, gangbanging, large-assed blacks. Wiggers (or wigging?) as a phenomenon is organic?

Just so you know, if you're still dividing each other based on skin color, you're using old some old-ass pre-computer finger-counting General store mathematics. You're played. Dividing based on race-only cues is simply basic LifeSkills™ addition to the more future-focused vector and tensor analysis of social division: CLASS. Class is the new black (even after gay). But I digress.

Don't get me wrong, in our world it is perfectly acceptable to poke racist fun at people. Racist, sexist, classist, homophobic, and religion-based humor is terrific. Why? Because it's fucking funny, that's why! Seriously. Everybody knows that that stereotype humor is the funniest humor and people are lying if they say otherwise. Most of it has nuggets of truth, which is why it's so funny.

But, the other edge of that razor is when people actually believe that all the funny stuff represents actual delineations between the relative value and quality of the various human characteristics. It's not absolute, dumbasses.

Anyway, to sum today's lesson: remember, there is no master race, no best religion, no superior sex, no right sexual orientation, and poor and uneducated people are just as good as....uh, the poor and the under-educated are just as.... Oh dang! Dumb, poor people are people too (sorry, that's the best I can do for dumb and poor). Screw 'em if the can't take a joke. They're probably not buying my book either.

So stop acting like the other races are fat, ugly, and retarded. Quit frontin'!

Sincerely,

-Ty

Quit Frontin': Stop Pullin' Out the Race Card For No Damn Reason

"Ty, since when is being black an excuse for extreme antisocial behavior. Do you realize that by using that excuse you are not doing people of color any favors."

- @Danny

@Danny's comments on the last post got me to a-thinkin' about things. Serious things. Things like how people can't really point out how mediocre the present administration is without being labeled a racist. Not that I would have voted for the crazy old dude and the crazy VP lady but, seriously, I'm not feeling the Hope and Change. I'm feeling a little bit gypped. The party of power has a congressional majority, nearly filibusterer-proof, and with the mandate-of-the-people via a legitimate vote, and they can't get legislation through? What do they have to do, promise health coverage for our pets too? Anyway...the race card is on my mind.

Ahhh how people throw out that race card. Just because some mope cashier at the LL Bean store or Barnes & Noble or the Apple store asks to see your ID with a credit card purchase (and clearly didn't do it for the white lady who just bought like $4,000 worth of shit) doesn't mean they're doing it because you're black and they're racist. They're doing it because that's what they're supposed to do and they are supposed to do it with everybody (but only remember with black people). It's part of the same script where they offer you the frequent buyer discount membership card too. I know the ID call " for your protection" only demonstrates that the cashier knows ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about consumer protection or credit card fraud, but it doesn't demonstrate racism. It demonstrates that these mopes do what their told. Racism would be if they said, "we don't serve blacks" or called the cops because you even had a credit card.

Likewise TSA isn't insinuating that your boushie, nattily-dressed black ass is some sort of terrorist by "inviting" you for "additional screening", they are doing the job they get paid for: to be assholes to everybody. Look, see that old white woman in a wheelchair getting wanded? And the blond baby in the Plexiglas cube? Doy! Quit upping the ante in race card poker with your bad attitude.

You need to check yourself whenever you feel the urge to vocalize the following words, "Oh, it's because I'm black, huh?" Shit, ask Skip Gates. You can't take that shit back. In 99% of cases you're going to look like an asshole with a chip on your shoulder with low education and bad (racist) movie theater behaviors. You'll just appear to be some weak ass remnant of a civil rights legacy you don't even know about because that curriculum got yanked with Bush's No Child Left Behind. Basically you don't know what the fuck you're talking about and you're making it bad for the next black person in line (like me). When you whip that race card out, you are placing a chip on the cashier's shoulders. Not even Jay-Z can brush that shit off. And it starts the whole thing over because then they're going to ask me for fucking ID with my credit card purchase (and I'm going to explain to them why that's not going to happen).

For the most part the race card (the Ace of Spades, of course) needs stay in the sleeve only to be used for serious and dire emergencies. It is true that there are opportune times to whip that bitch out like when you're trying to get into Yale (improbable) or if it could somehow miraculously keep you from going to jail (which is impossible), or get you laid (more probable), or get you paid (again probably impossible).

Wouldn't it be balls for the Starbucks manager you insist intervene come over and say, "No. It's not because you're black, sir. It's because you're an asshole. We do discriminate against jerks all the time." I know. I've worked retail.

When they ask me ID, I ask to see theirs.

Quit Frontin': I'm Not the Nanny - This is MY Child

"We may act differen't in some ways
But we're still grouped together like a fuckin' survey"

- from Madness by Deltron 3030

My friend Heidi lives in Texas, just outside of Dallas. She's German and her husband, Chuck, is half-white/half-Japanese (that war-bride thing was large back in the day, shit, white dudes still prefer to go Asian). Whenever I talk to Heidi and Chuck I ask, "why the fuck are you still living in Texas?"

Anyhow, Heidi and Chuck have two kids, 7 and 10. The younger kid looks white like Heidi. The older one looks like...just like grandma. Grandma Miyako, Chuck's mother. The Japanese.

So Heidi's at the grocery store one day and some suburban, giant-headed, Texas cheerleader-looking fat mom-bitch walks up all uninvited and goes, "Ummm-ummm, I just want to say how br-ave you are for adopting a Chinese."

A Chinese.

Heidi was dumbfounded. She couldn't get anything out of her mouth except, "That's my daughter!" Obviously, being totally over-educated like the rest of us, she wanted to give big-hair minivan mom The Skip Gates Lecture about:

1. ...minding her own damn business
2. ...these are the children of her very German loins and her husband's very Japanese seed
3. ...her very smart and handsome husband just happens to be half-Japanese but it doesn't matter that he's "of Japanese decent" "because love is blind!"
4. ...you know, the bit about minding her own fucking business and poppin' off in the grocery store

But all she could get out was, "That's my daughter!"

Two words: Keith Bardwell.

Here's my point: American isn't binary when it comes to race anymore. I mean it never was, but on the main, it's definitely not black and/or white anymore. There are blacks, whites, Chineses, Japaneses, two kinds of Indians (dot and feather), Mexicans up the ass, and a shitload of other foreign-looking motherfuckers. Given progress and technology and Rosa Parks and Sidney Poitier, all these different people have found ways to hook-up and HAVE BABIES! Even I'm neither black nor white. Look and me (and Obama Hussein): mulattos from back in the day.

Another story: My friend, Ro, is a mulatto too. Her husband is very white. Two kids who look so white too. Of course Ro is always having to say, "No. I do not have time available because I AM NOT A NANNY" like every other day of the week. Presumptions. Makes her mad. She is a goddamn Harvard Economist for G-d sake.

Another another story: When my first and only child was like two weeks old we went on drive to West Virginia, just to get out of the house. We were all at a restaurant and the little girl needed her diaper change. We left the gear in the car so I decided to be heroic dad go change her...in the car. No problem. I try hard and my whole life experience was preparation to be the good daddy. At some point while I was changing my two week-old daughter in the back of our car, I realized that here I was in West goddamn Virgina, a black man fiddling around with a naked and white baby girl. Remember I'm a half-black (Jew) with a all-white wife. The Fear struck me so hard I'm surprised I didn't have a stroke right there. Had some retarded hick sheriff rolled up, I'd probably still be in prison awaiting my execution.

What I'm trying to impart is that that mopetarded tart from Texas was being presumptuous over the fact that Heidi's kid had cute chinky eyes (and even funnier is she speaks perfect English with a slight Texas lilt, tell me Asians with perfect English doesn't still fuck with your head). What I'm trying to say is that we're way past the point where we have to presume, assume, and pair every color with matching color; characteristic with like characteristic.

Like Obama's Attorney General Eric Holder said, "Though this nation has proudly thought of itself as an ethnic melting pot, in things racial we have always been and I believe continue to be, in too many ways, essentially a nation of cowards."

Sorry, Keith Bardwell. You're not only a racist. You're a coward.

Let's become brave again. Quit frontin'!

Quit Frontin': You Do Not Have To Drive Like That

Nee-grow please! Pull your seat up into something approaching a feasible and reasonable and seated car driving position. I'm not talking about a proper driving position nor do I speak of even a safe driving position. I'm only talking about a driving position that allows you to drive a motherfucking car.

What?

I was rolling shotty in my homie Ross-Rone's Caddy (modified CTS-V, check that) the other day and I had to do a double take when I peeped into the car next to us. We were on the freeway but there was mad traffic b/c of an accident that blocked some lanes.

I didn't see a driver in the car next to us! It appeared as is if we were driving next to some kind of futuristic self-driving car from The Jetsons or Sleeper or some shit. It looked like three passengers riding in a car without a fucking driver at all! It looked like some people were chilling in their living room around a hookah or something. I was surprised. I had to look again and more closely.

So I looked again and more closely and noticed that the driver was basically laying down. In a car. The driver! My mind went crazy for a sec. And he was totally serious too. He wasn't fishing his phone from his front pocket or anything. I didn't think you could drive with a body cast. But that was how he decided to drive a motherfucking car today. His seat had to have been fully reclined. Like I said, he was totally serious; looked all "hard' and shit. But, and get this, his posse was totally fine with it too. This is how they rode in a car today...with the driver in a sleeping position and it was cool.

You cannot drive a car lying down. I swear you can't. You cannot see over the dash or hood. You cannot see the road ahead of you. You cannot even reach the fucking steering wheel and the pedals at the same time unless you're very tall like Manute Bol. And you know what? It does not look cool--at all. It is not Keeping It Real. It is not an easier way to drive a car. It looks totally foolish and it has to be very hard work to just drive the thing with any control at all but I wouldn't know because I would never drive a motherfucking car like that. Not because I'm cooler experiential either. No. It simply does not work. I am not a gibbon. My arm length has limits. I don't want to die in a car wreck because I love living a life that is not dead.

You can save your ghetto acrobatics for hat wearing or basketball shoes but drive like you kind of mean it. Drive like you're headed to KFC or someone promised you head and refer. Drive serious!

I swear, I'm not one of those PC "baby on board" hippies but I swear because fools like you are driving motherfucking cars on the freeway, my life is in danger.

How is it cool to drive while lying down? Answer me that. Quit frontin'!

Quit Frontin': Stop Feeling Guilty For Being Proud of Who You Are

You see it in young adults all the time. Not very much in young children or quite so much in people over the age of, say, 45. But you see a "normal" amount of uncertainty in people between the ages of say, 13 and 35, give or take a half-decade or whatnot. Uncertainty about how they look, how they represent. And college is rife with people pretending not to be uncertain about themselves when they are some of the most uncertain people among us.

Adolescence and young adulthood all about uncertainty. Questions arise about the future, about relationships, and mostly about appearance. That's very normal growing up shit. And I could get all Developmental Psychologist on you but I'll save that for another time and place. Again, it's "normal."

What I'm so slowly getting at is how people--especially young adults--totally front like they have this whole self pride, world pride, and race pride thing all going on, which is great, but most know-it-all kids simply lack the skills to sustain their card condos. In college, the black kids from the deep white suburbs would act all AfroAmerican prideful (think: Tribe Called Quest meets Dwayne Cleophus Wayne from A Different World), the white kids from the deep, homogenous suburbs, would go over the top with the argyles, pressed shirts, gold-buttoned blazers and shit like they're Trace Crutchfield or Thurston Howell III or somebody. And the gays were all fruity like Hawaiian Punch. African American Alliance, College Republicans, and GLBN! We're here, we're queer, get used to it!

College is pretend. Small top-tier residential schools are complete fantasy worlds. But people don't know that at 20.

But people get out of college and into their first realwork career job employment gigs and suddenly they get all awkward and embarrassed about being proud of who they are. Suddenly the kids are extremely flimsy with regard to how they now fit in, I suppose. Insecure. Pride? What's pride, a brand of casual Friday pants?

The one thing that Michael Jackson and George Hamilton have demonstrated to the universe about insecurity is that once you get the least bit fucked-up about the size of your nose or the color of your skin, you may be on a slippery slope to the kingdom of freakdom.

Don't believe me? Two words: breast implants. Really?!

I remember as a kid looking in the mirror for hours wondering why my nose was so much wider, my skin so much darker, and my hair so much curlier than ALL THE OTHER KIDS in my all-white world. Why couldn't I have braces? I bawled like Nancy Kerrigan, "Whyyyyyyyyyyyy?! It's just not fair, mother!" Shit, I even tried to comb that shit straight but try as I might, I wasn't going to make my hair look like my grandparents immigrated from Norway. I mostly ended up looking more like Morgan Freeman in Driving Miss Daisy than Billy Eckstine.

But I didn't have to worry so much about my Angela Davis natural because of that equilateral triangle of an African jack-o-lantern nose I have was always going to be the very first thing people noticed about me, after they saw my black ass skin and switched their purse to the other side. Genes are a motherfucker.

White girls? Out at a club? The club sisters aren't laughing because you have neither a top lip or an ass to speak of. They're laughing because you can't fucking dance. That shit is funny as hell to black women, especially if you came to said club with a black man, then it's hysterical. So please don't let that shit stop you from dancing like somebody is shooting AIDS darts at you from a blowgun. That is some funky dance shit you do. And you shouldn't not go dancing because you look like you do. Nobody cares for realzies (they're just mad you have a black dude with you). And you needn't wear a Phish-show tie-dye muumuu to hide your deficiencies either. Let your, eh, freak flag fly, girlfriend!

Fat dudes? Self conscious? Two words: Hawaiian shirt. Then you're the par-tay guy. Everyone loves the par-tay guy. Just shower regularly.

Instead of hiding, fronting, or feeling any of The Guilt about how you look, focus your attention on ways to make you more desirable to the rest of us (or entertaining to me). Get yourself a good real education and by "real" I mean from an accredited school with science and philosophy courses. Read some books so we can have something to discuss as I avert my gaze from your horribly disfigured face (and no, James Patterson and Dan Brown doesn't count). Travel outside of your city, state, and comfort zone. Look at some art. Listen to some music. Have a passion or, at least, have a hobby. Write.

We can all live in, what Rodney King or Martin King (or one of them Kings from Africa) said, "...a nation where [people] will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character." Exactly. Content. Character.

People! I am here to tell you something important. Listen up! In Barack Obama's New America you can be proud of who you are instead of what you look like. If a black man can be our newest U.S. American Corporate Media Superstar Nazi Muslim Socialist Elitist President, then anybody (who also happens to have movie star looks, an infectious smile, radiant and magnetic charisma, and superior intelligence) can be president too. Like me.

Be proud of who you are and what you look like and where you came from (especially if we think you are cool, hot, and came from somewhere fab like LA or Claremont).

So, yeah...quit frontin' with your fat ugly ass.

Quit Frontin': If You Give the Police a Good Reason to Harass You The Police Will Harass You

Deadhead & Gangbanger Special

I asked my State Trooper friends about race and crime.

Some data, albeit anecdotal, but it's still data:

My white State Trooper friend says that about 85 percent of black people he pulls over will at least allude to skin color during the traffic stop versus zero percent of white people he stops.

My black State Trooper friend says that about 25 percent of the black people he pulls over will at least allude to skin color during the traffic stop versus about five percent of white people he stops.

For similar traffic offenses regardless of trooper color, the majority of black people will cop an attitude about the selective persecutions by Johnny Law while most white people accept the fact that driving 75 miles per hour in a 55 zone can get you cited. White people will try to get out of a ticket through name-drop or boob flash, but they usually do not cry societal foul and the understand that the quicker the transaction the better. Nobody enjoys a moving violation.

While there have been real and clearly documented instances of overt racism on the part of state and other highway enforcement professionals, the myth of "Driving While Black" is largely over-hyped. It is not like policemen want to be fired or police departments want to be sued. In fact, pulling over black people is basically like walking on eggshells say my friends. Controlling for all other factors, traffic patrol officers are probably a touch nicer to black people than white people. Well, "more professional" probably substitutes for "nicer" in this instance.

But if you are 15 years-old, 4 foot 10 inches tall, and you're driving 90 fucking miles an hour in a new stolen Lexus in a school zone while "Cutty" and "Shay-Shay" are smoking "blunts" and flashing "signs", the chances are quite good that you're not going to get a free pass no matter who the fucking president is. You are going to get an aluminum shampoo. And it's not because you're black. It's because you just led 11 police cars on a high speed chase until you ran out of gas in Pennsylvania.

If you give the police a good reason to fuck with you, the police will take said opportunity to fuck with you. That's not racism, that's the law. I thought we all knew that cops hated gang colors and stupid behaviors.

Likewise, my trooper friends say that if they roll up on a 1972 VW "Westy" microbus going 28 miles per hour in the fast lane and cars are zooming past to the right, bus all spewing black exhaust with Grateful Dead and obligatory "Save Mother Earth" stickers, they feel as if they have to flip a coin to determine if it's worth the hours of searching, documenting, field sobriety tests, booking, and bullshit rhetoric they have to endure because the chance of finding marijuana is 100%. Often there is the felonious possession of Ecstasy, mushrooms, and acid as well. The have to bring the dog out to sniff the bus.

If Jimmy Trooper is anywhere near the end of his shift, he really wants to let those retarded fake-hippies slide even though the dumb motherfuckers are basically a rolling advertisement for possession. And they smell bad. And their father's lawyers are total pricks who will come to court with all sorts of tricks.

If you give the police a good reason to fuck with you, the police will take said opportunity to fuck with you. That's not fascism, that's the fucking law. I thought everyone knew that cops hated tie-dye.

People. Stop acting incredulous that somebody kicked you in the ass when you decided to wear your "Kick Me - in the ass!" t-shirt to a frat party. What were you thinking? Have some responsibility for yourself. Not to excuse all police but if you behave like someone who is breaking the law, chances are that you are breaking the law and, therefore, your chances of being treated like a criminal when caught are very high. No do-overs or "just kiddings" with the law. And quit acting like the cops planted shit on you. Niggas got video on the dash and shit, please!

If you are black or if you are white and you basically ask the police to pull you over and fuck with you, the police will pull you over and fuck with you. That's their fucking job. Open your mouth and you just piss them off and you will get even more fucked with. It's never funny.

If you want to feel as if you live in a fair and equitable society that is happy-happy pluralistic and free, it is your responsibility, your job, to stop being a mopetard. Ask any off-duty cop you know personally. They can straighten you out on this shit.

Quit frontin'!

Quit Frontin': Conservatives Need to Quit HATING On Affirmative Action and Liberals Need to Quit INSISTING On It

Back when I went to college, back when I had my shit together, back in the late '80s, I knew exactly my route to graduation with minimal effort utilizing a route that featured plenty of time for mischief, mirth, and mayhem. Here's why: I grew up in a college town. As far as collegiate culture was concerned, I had that scene down pat, don. I already knew the ins and outs of college life from slinking around colleges since fifth grade. Plus I already knew I was much smarter than everybody else.

So when I arrived with mad hubris to the pristine campus of my very own first-tier residential university and received my orientation packet, I figured the "mandatory" invitation to attend the SAA/EOP New Student Reception was something that everybody received and that there'd be food and I was hungry. I didn't know what the SAA/EOP was since I didn't read any of my orientation packet, but I was mildly baffled that my roommate, Dave, didn't received the SAA/EOP invitation. But, still, I figured free eats was free eats. I was all about freeats at that time.

At the SAA/EOP orientation I found myself in what appeared to be more of an underground railroad safe house for the wanted coloreds than a collegiate free eats orgy. I already knew that my beautiful and exclusive tower of ivory only accepted 3.4% "African American" students (and graduated a pitiful 1.3%, but I never gave those statistics too much action because I was into the "ME" at the time). But imagine my surprise when I arrived at this reception and there we all were, in one place, a windowless basement conference room; people holding their breath with fear of discovery and deportation. "Please don't send us back!" Nigga please!

But since I was a White Actor I was certain that I didn't belong in any SAA/EOP group because I learned that that shit stood for: Student Affirmative Action/Equal Opportunity Program. I mean, why would I? I already had college down and I wrote the best application essay ever and I had a plan and I was already racially equal and I...was too fucking proud to take handouts even from this prestigious university...in that way. So I decided to opt out. Using my very best White English I said:

Ty: "Er, uh.... Excuse me? Hi. I believe there has been a mistake. I didn't sign-up for this...this [looking down at tri-fold pamphlet on table] 'student affirmative opportunity program' thing. I must be here by mistake."

SAA/EOP Coordinator: "Hi, I'm Jen! Welcome to SAA/EOP, Tyrone! [they had name tags] Don't worry at all, you were automatically enrolled, m'kay! We're so happy to have you here!"

Ty: "Huh? Why is that? What do you mean automatically enrolled?"

SAA/EOP Coordinator: "Because you are African-American, and by law all African-Americans are technically underrepresented minorities, we do the enrolling for you so we can offer you all of our services!!"

Ty: "M,kay Jen. How does one quit this thing?"

SAA/EOP Coordinator: "Quit! You can't quit SAA/EOP! We pull the names off the master files based on the race you select."

Ty: "OK, so if I select white or Asian next quarter what happens?"

SAA/EOP Coordinator: "Uh...nothing?"

Ahhhhh.... I did check that box on the application. I played my very own Ace of Spades in the sleeve and they played me back. I mean, I had correctly figured that I'd be the hot commodity as a BMOC (Black Man on Campus) and receive lots of valuable gifts and prizes (like sex and drugs and a single room) but I didn't figure that I'd be admitted to the Ivory Tower Ghetto. I wasn't admitted as "an exception" was I? I just wanted to be like the other kids; the Chads and Julies and Wen Zhengs and Elliots. And there I was with the...African-Americans, the Hispanics, and that one part Native American girl over there. Running Flower or whatever her name was.

That shit was to wrong.

By automatically enrolling every "historically underrepresented minority" into this "very special support program" that excludes the "historically overrepresented majority", the SAA program was also automatically stigmatizing everyone single one of us form day one without exception. Even Barack Hussein and Sonia Sotomayor would have been suspected as some sort of "special admit" who was really under qualified to attend but the university need a quota.

Presciently, my senior thesis (honors, biznatches!) was on "Actor and Observer Effects of Affirmative Action." In short, my research demonstrated at statistically significant levels that, for example, my very own university's SAA/EOP office arbitrarily placed every black and brown person--"the persons of color" in the Political Correctness parlance--into a Preference Condition (the actors). My research demonstrated that the remainder of the students, faculty, and staff (the observers) believed that the black and brown students, regardless of qualifications, were preferentially admitted and somehow against-all-odds retained (the observers) despite qualifications. Interestingly, and not so surprisingly, in the research both groups--actors and observers--indicated that the preferentially selected group (the actors) seemed less qualified, less intelligent, and were more resented and "undeserving." Yes, both groups felt that way. Statistically significant.

Thanks, SAA/EOP, but science doesn't lie. Liberals, I know you mean well but please stop putting me in your well-meaning ghettos of segregation because I checked a damn box; that's profiling, kids. You wouldn't want TSA to do that at the airport so don't do it at the university. I never checked the black box again. I've been "decline to state" ever since.

----

On the other hand, conservatives, who are you trying to fool with your whole bullshit act called "reverse discrimination"? What?! That's total make-believe bullshit and you know it. Reverse what? Whether it's anti-abortion or anti-affirmative action, that's just an old school, desperation power-grab. Seriously, what is the largest demographic of anti-affirmative action Americans? White. Men. How can you seriously march and picket and protest about elite academic and prestigious (union) jobs being "given to less qualified candidates"? Seriously? That's less than racist, that's...that's some baby ass bullshit.

Whaaaaaahhh!!!!! I don't understand science and history!

Quit frontin'!

Quit Frontin': The Famous "N" Word (how self-loathing!)

Quit Pretending You Literally Cannot Physically Say the Word "Nigger"

The only thing worse than people frontin' like they can't write the word "nigger"--with every fake ass workaround imaginable from "ngr" to "ni**er" to the infamous "N-word"--is the blockbuster Academy Award® winning production around how people cannot literally pronounce the goddamn word, like they've never said it before in their lives. How their lips and tongue and jaw and vocal chords cannot physiologically produce the word. You know, the N-word? The N-word that Mark Furman allegedly said 10 years prior to his testimony in OJ "Slash n' Run" Simpson's murder case...in 1995. That N-word.

Nigger.

Nigger.

Nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger.

I'm a nigger, he's a nigger, she's a nigger, we're a nigger, wouldn't you like to be a nigger too?

It's just another word, people!

Here's some contextual scenarios:

Scenario One - The N-Bomb Nuke: You're with some work friends and everything is all casual and you're eating some burritos at lunch and someone sneezes and some beans and lettuce and shit flies across the table and, unguarded and laughing like in high school you go, "Daaamn nigga! Did you see what that nasty ass nigga did? Daaaammmnnnn!"

What follows is invariably the longest and most awkward silence imaginable. People all working in overdrive to process what they heard with their own two ears; processing what to say and what to do. No eye contact at all. You can read on their now sullen faces, "I can't believe he just said the 'N-word...and he's African-American. How self-loathing!" Things get quiet and you have to subsequently pal up with a whole new set of lower-level office workers for Chipotle because the old gang is invariably and forever "too busy with the Miller account." Sucks but true, you've been demoted and subsequently shunned for a Class A (level 1) potty mouth infraction.

Scenario Two - Busted!: You're in neighbor Brad's garage and the radio edit of Cypress Hill's "Insane in the Brain" comes on. Everybody's singing along, and boppin' and going, "So kick that style/Wicked wild/Happy face [barely audible mumble] never seen me smile/Rip dat mainframe/I'll explain/A [another barely audible mumble] like me is goin' insane." So you go, "Hey Brad, you've heard the album cut, right? Brad nods, turning red and tensin' up. It's OK, you assure, you can sing all the words. And Brad goes, "Oh, no, no, no, I could never say that word; the N-word? No, no, no, not me. Especially with you here. The N-word is off limits for sure."

What? Selective linguistics? Semi-lingual? Brad explains that the "N-Word" is totally and permanently off limits to anyone other than "people with the inherent and congenital permission to use that word." "It's unacceptable." Nigga please!

Scenario Three - Self-Loathing Niggas: You're finally among people who you assume have your back. You totally feel peace and solidarity. You're at a closed door session of the Chamber of Commerce African-American Connectivity Alliance and someone says something old-school funny about somebody's "yo mama" and you casually and easily exclaim, "Ha-ha, niggas doin' what a nigga do, huh?" when every black face in a room full of black faces (only) look at you the way with that only yo mama or your wife looks at you. The about-to-be-scolded face.

The Lecture follows about how only "self-hatin'" black people still use the "N-word" anymore. How even Paul Mooney and David Chapelle have stopped droppin' the "N-word." Blah-blah-fucking-blah Bill Cosby blah-blah-blah.

Pussy. Cunt. Faggot. Kike. Nazi. Retard. Nigger. Fuck George Carlin for dying the first and only time I've ever needed his unfunny, hippie schtick! Give this nigger a break.

Hello? It's just a word. No harm, no foul. As I teach my second grader, words can have power and words always have context. So in the appropriate context, there is a use for all words. I'm not suggesting anyone--especially anyone lighter-skinned than a paper grocery bag--should ever call anyone a nigger, but--THE ANSWER TO THE ETERNAL QUESTION--can a white person actually say the N-word? Yes. Blanket permission. From here out. From me on behalf of all African diaspora vacationers of America.

Here, go ahead and try it: Nigger. No, try it again because nobody's around and you need some practice: Nigger! Careful, not all angry sounding like you're from somewhere south. It rhymes with "bigger," "trigger," and "digger." C'mon, it's so easy (and you have permission now). Stop! Don't do it like you're mad like someone snatched your purse. Try it first within positive contexts, like the coloreds always do. Go ahead, here are some rudimentary exercises. Just substitute the fabled N-word in the following situational examples.

Exercise 1 - Word Substitution

Insert the word "nigger" (style-guide hint: pronounce as, "nigga" if you want) into the following [brackets]:

1. You're my [best friend], Julie. You always make me laugh at just the right times.
2. Hey, [Roger], please pass the sugar, this office coffee is always so bitter.
3. I saw the game too, Manning was playing like a [football quarterback] possessed.
4. Charlie, did you fax the press release over to the [folks] at the New York Times.
5. [Sally] please, you do the very best Katie Couric impersonation!
   

See? Do I need to print up some nigger permission slips or something? But remember, there is a great responsibility I've given you. And no guarantees that you won't get your ass kicked for saying it.

So stop with all the "fronting", will you?

Quit Frontin': Dreaded Cornrows

Before you declare me RACIST! for picking at the scabs of every little mopetarded thing that white people do, let me remind you that black people do retarded things as well = Michael Vick (at least until he wins a Super Bowl®, that is, then it's cool, right?). Also let me remind you that I'm white too. And black. And Jewish. And Filipino. So I'm the least/most racist person ever.

But let me say one thing: white people steal. BREAKING NEWS! WHITE PEOPLE STEAL! They are the biggest thieves in the history of the earth. White people stole Michael Jackson. White people stole blingin' rimz. They stole the North American continent. They're trying to steal hip-hop. They're trying to steal the word "nigger". But the Very Worst thing white people have stolen, or are trying to steal (even after stealing 10 million Africans), is our hair.

[Ed. note: So-called "Jewfros" get a free pass in this argument since them Holmes' can't help themselves]

Black people have been trying to have White Hair since the beginning of time. Even Shelly and those gorgeous Obama babies have hot comb-pressed hair:

"When the comb turned red, it was time. Part. Grease. Slide the comb. Part. Grease. Slide the comb. A hair boogie of sorts, transforming woolly clumps, wiry spindles and rough waves into black satin."

I can smell that burning shit now.

So, like suntanning, why are white people trying so fucking hard to look like black people? As a kid growing up in southern California going to the beach was a fucking chore since all my so-called friends had to fucking "lay out" for hours cooking themselves for some dumb reason. I was left to walk around in a fucking bedsheet so I didn't burn up and look like a ScaryBlack™. Imagine me looking like the fucking KKK at Newport Beach so I wouldn't get too damn black. As my girl, Alanis Morissette, would warble off-key, "Isn't it ironic?" Cross-country music tours were worse but, and thank G-d too, I discovered SPS 30. "Fiddy" was even better.

So hair. White people get off on copying/stealing black shit...including hair.

And to address our question of the day, why do white women look horrible with cornrows and white men look stupid with dreadlocks? Because black people look horrible with cornrows and dreads. That shit is simply ugly (individual differences). But at least there is a moderate percentage of black people who can pull 'rows and 'locks off with a semblance of style (maybe, what, 3-5%*). The percentage of white people who can pull that off? Zero!

First of all, cornrows are an African relic. It was how American SLAVE women styled their hair because Aunt Jemima could not afford to spend time nor money at a fucking salon--since they spent 18 hours picking cotton for free. That particular style kept their hair somewhat manageable and offered them a morsel crumb of dignity when they weren't being worked like a machine, beaten like a rug, or raped....

Fucking Bo Derek! Seriously? A 10?! How insulting it is for white people to pretend to be slaves. It's like suburban moms taking their kids to pick apples and blueberries and shit; all pretending to be migrant laborers on a sunny Sunday afternoon. And PAYING FOR IT!

Axel Rose?

And dreadlocks? Dreads! Locks! The Wiki says:

"There are many reasons among various cultures for wearing locks. Locks can be an expression of deep religious or spiritual convictions, a manifestation of ethnic pride, a political statement, or be simply a fashion preference."

Fashion preference, huh? Wanna know another reason people wear locks? Because they are poor, mentally ill, drug addled, homeless, and don't have or know how to use a fucking comb.

I have seen some beautiful, hippie-inclined white girls who enter the Dead/Phish/Widespread Panic/Aquarium Rescue Unit/Gov't Mule/Leftover Salmon/moe./Rusted Root/String Cheese Incident scene then become poor, mentally ill, drug addled, homeless, and forget all about how to use a fucking comb. They call it a spiritual thing. I call it fucking disgusting. You ever smell a handful of dreads? Ever look closely? That shit's nasty, dude. From the authentic mung-style to the slick puppy dog ear style, that shit is pretty weak.*

Quit frontin'!

----------------
* Keep in mind, 3-5% of black people can pull this off.

Quit Frontin': I Do Not Know Where You Can "Score Some Herb"

Memorandum

to: All Staff Internal
date: Tue, Feb 10, 2009 at 7:41 AM
subject: Procurement of Marijuana

Dear white colleagues of Anderson, Bronfman, and Black Inc.,

Hi, I'm Ty in the domestic agriculture technologies consulting practice (DATC). I realize that there are not a whole lot of "people of color" who make a career here--yes, I'm The Black Guy--so I just want to take a quick moment of your busy morning to offer my sincere apologies for past, present, and most importantly, future queries.

No. I do not know where you can "score some herb." For this, I offer my sincerest apologies to the entire firm. I do not know who has "the hook-ups," nor do know where one could procure "sticky icky," "skunk," "da chronic," or "puff the magic dragon." What the hell, people? I've asked around, conducted my own internal investigation and have determined that no one else is constantly asked where illegal drugs can be purchased. I'm only left to believe one thing: that because I am the "African-American" that I must know people who sell drugs, or that I am somehow someone who possesses, uses, or sells drugs. Again, I am sorry, I'm not that Black guy. No mon, this Rasta no pasta.

Can't a grown ass man stand at an 8th floor urinal without some intern or Jr. Associate walking up next to me to pretend-piss without making that thumb-index-finger-to-lips "joint" smoking gesture toward me? Winking like some closet homo who wants to suck me off in the toilet like Larry "Wide Stance" Craig (R-Idaho). What?! Sorry, "brah".

Have some intelligence, people. No longer do I want to stand in an elevator with someone asking, "Yo, bro. Got any smokes?" What?! I'm married with children and a member of the PTA. I have a very successful portfolio of clients around the country. I am a Vice President here. Do I have any smokes? Oh, should I? Sorry. What the fuck?!

I know you're scared like bitches of getting busted like Michael Phelps's simple-minded ass. I know you don't want to go to jail. I know you don't want your wife to know. I know you don't want to lose your six-figure job. I know you don't want shame and embarrassment showered upon your family. You know what? Me fucking either. Pop quiz: who's going to get in more trouble? The white associate who buys weed at work or the black VP who fucking sells weed at work. You have three seconds to answer. What the fuck do you think?!

White = Temporary note in personnel file until your Sr. Partner father makes it disappear.

Black = Jail. Future of doing hotel laundry like Will Smith in that Happyness deal.

Quit asking me dumb ass insulting shit, especially at work, fools! I'm neither your friend nor that guy you can txt as, "I no this 1 blk dood, he is da fuckn coolst evrr lol" followed with a variant of some "nigga" joke or fake slang phrase made in a horrid, stereotyped Jules Winnfield accent, "SHEEEEEET, muthafucka!" Fuck you!

Lastly, I can no longer attend your birthday parties or happy hour ABBI Friday-brations because I'm sick to fucking death of all you dumb white motherfuckers following me around flicking lighters like it's a KISS concert. Fuck you!

Find your own damn weed. It's 2009, there are delivery services for that kind of shit...not that I know. So quit asking me because of my goddamn skin color.

With best regards and quit frontin',

-ty
/DATC

cc: HR, Exec Team

Anderson, Bronfman, and Black Inc. - Constantly Adapting
to Meet Your Changing Needs

Quit Frontin': People Can Stop Pre-translating Blacktalk and Whitetalk Because it's Condescending

If you are or have ever been any shade of black this has happened to you: You're standing in line at the Starbucks to get a double half-calf skinny mochaccino or some dumb shit like that (don't worry, they know you and know your order so you don't have to say it aloud anymore) and you glance over your shoulder because someone is getting in line behind you--not all paranoid or anything, but a normal, reflexive, and actually polite turn as you continue to thumb-type on your iPhone. White guy queues up, gives you that little head nod thing, and says, "Wut up, bro?" like he knows you and knows how you talk. "Bro"?!

Apparently this man has X-ray vision and knows that through your Burberry overcoat, Brooks Brothers wool blend suit, and Ivy education, you're wearing Dickeys no-press chinos down to your hamstrings and that your boxer shorts are pulled up to your ribs. And obviously this Superman can also see that your bitch has nicely pressed your gang bandanna that is hanging from your back pocket (you are "flyin'" your "colors" apparently). And of course he can see your stolen, crime-ridden semi-automatic "Glock." Because every black is deep down a gangbanging street thug nigger who utilizes the salutation, "Wut up?" And by using, "Wut up?" we are all in familia with solidarity. "Bro" is certainly appropriate because, apparently, black = Ebonics. Besides, we're all related anyway, right? "What up, bro" my ass.

In retort, years of practice has resulted in a studied, steady and steely-eyed, "hello" as my response because "Shut the fuck up with that, dude!" will forever be my instinctual response. In fact, my "hello" is quite uppity and curt as if I'm reaching deep down to muster any response at all--which I actually am. In the majority of these situations there is a slight tell (usually up in the eyebrow region) where one can observe Mr. Wut Up greeter re-processing all information (a psychological reset). [Was expecting "Yo, homie, how a nigga feeeel up in this mothafucka St-zar Biz-ucks?!" but received acute, "Hello."]

Pre-translation is not necessary anymore. I'm not going to rob you (or not rob you, if that's the case) because you are parroting some dumb-ass rip-off version of what you though all black people were supposed to sound like that you heard on TeeVee. Nigga please!

Likewise, black people can stop the Fronting (with the trailing "G") by not using the "Polite White Voice" whenever they want something from a white person because that's also fucking condescending. If you need to purchase some more copy paper, you can say, "Hit me up with some mo' papes, yo!" The guy at Staples will know what you want. But you don't have to pull out that fake white guy voice that Richard Pryor used every time you need something. "Hello my dear friend, perhaps I can procure some of your finest high GSM photocopier paper, if you may." Cut that shit out! Just be yourself or yo'sef. It's okay now that we have a Muslim socialist non-American president.

But also remember that there are times when you KNOW someone and it's actually fine to talk differently. There are situational determinants that dictate how you interact with people. If you're walking down the street with your grandmother and you meet some of her Church Friends you are expected to be as formal and clear and polite AND AS WHITE as you possibly can because that will impress the Church Ladies and make your grandmother feel so proud. That's your responsibility in Obama's America (and you may even get a hard candy). Likewise you go to a "house party" and are introduced as a friend and somebody passes you a bottle of Country Club Malt, you've now been given permission to blurt out--only once or twice because you'll simply be an amusement prop--"...let the motherfucker burrrrn!"

But don't "Wassup?" me at Starbucks when I'm wearing $600 shoes and ordering bougie drinks. Black is black and white is white and we're all racist as hell. Racial perception is real and normal and psychologically healthy. Quit faking like you don't see color or, worse, that you have to speak a special language to me because of my skin color. I ain't Chinese.

Quit frontin'!

--------------

Also see: "Half-Black Attack™"

Quit Frontin': I Swear I Didn't Steal Anything

The Wife: "Honey? Why did we have six bottles of wine?

Me: "Because I purchased six bottles of wine. I didn't even steal anything either. That guy at the corner store is fucking racist, you know?!"

The Wife: "Oh, honey...how is the guy at the store a racist this time?"

Me: "He followed me like I was going to steal something. I couldn't focus. I showed him."

The Wife: "So why do we have a half case of wine now?"

Me: "To prove to him that I wasn't stealing beef jerky!"

This is the story of my life since forever. I go somewhere to shop--or, worse, just to look--and feel the watch-the-thieving-darkie vibe and I totally overcompensate by spending all my money to prove what? That I'm not stealing TicTacs. That's why I have a snowboard. I was just looking for gloves and that bitch kept offering help where nobody needed any goddamn help. That's why my wife has fucking $500 emerald earrings...was just looking for a $20 stocking stuffer one Christmas and felt someone sigh when I came in. This is why I own two 55-200mm telephoto lenses and more fucking AA batteries than could power all the remote controls in all the suburbs of America because I ain't stealing your fucking batteries, asshole, I'm actually buying 9 8-packs, OK? And that's why we have five unopened bottles of wine right now because the old guy kept following me and watching my every move. Offering to help.

I'm the fucking worst, too. I can feel it on my neck, the prying eyeballs upon me, watching my hands as I move up and down aisles. I sometimes place my hands on top of my head just to demonstrate that I ain't stealin'! Sometimes, when I'm full of the obstinance, I keep putting my hands in and out of all my pockets and touching everything. When a shop keep stumbles upon me watching them watching me, there's always an asinine, "can I help you find something?" Oh, now you're asking me if I need any help after following me around for 10 minutes. Now you ask. "No thanks." But still they follow like the fucking CIA or a PI my wife hired to see if I was fucking men on the DL.

I always figure that if just walk out, belligerent or not, I will be labeled a shoplifter or, worse, that shoplifting nigger. I can never just walk. I have to buy something and usually something expensive to demonstrate my honesty and solid status as someone (me) who can afford this ($300 art pillows I didn't want) is definitely not stealing your cheap ass earrings. Fuck. You! Stop pretending to help me.

"One man's ceiling is another man's floor."

-"What Comes Around"
from Paul's Boutique by the Beastie Boys

Of course there's the feeling of negligence and discrimination that comes with being ignored in a place of business too, especially if one perceives that The White People, the Asians, and the Indians (dot) are being helped out some kind of first-come order. But, there again, lies my weakness of being labeled. I'll still demonstrate-shop as proof of my pedigree. And I'll always use my black diamond preferred rewards credit card, flinging it cavalierly onto the counter and smiling at security cameras and other shoppers who think I'm fucking nuts because, look at me, I shop like this everywhere I go every fucking day and I never steal because, look, I'm using a premium credit card with MY NAME ON IT! Me? Oh, dear...ha-ha! I'm rich first and just happen to be black. Why don't you go follow those young blacks or those wiggers or those poor looking blacks because even I know they steal like gypsies.

There are places that make their overhead again and again because I perceive that they believe that I am shoplifting something. I am so fucked.

Quit frontin' too!