Quit Frontin': The Famous "N" Word (how self-loathing!)

Quit Pretending You Literally Cannot Physically Say the Word "Nigger"

The only thing worse than people frontin' like they can't write the word "nigger"--with every fake ass workaround imaginable from "ngr" to "ni**er" to the infamous "N-word"--is the blockbuster Academy Award® winning production around how people cannot literally pronounce the goddamn word, like they've never said it before in their lives. How their lips and tongue and jaw and vocal chords cannot physiologically produce the word. You know, the N-word? The N-word that Mark Furman allegedly said 10 years prior to his testimony in OJ "Slash n' Run" Simpson's murder 1995. That N-word.



Nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger.

I'm a nigger, he's a nigger, she's a nigger, we're a nigger, wouldn't you like to be a nigger too?

It's just another word, people!

Here's some contextual scenarios:

Scenario One - The N-Bomb Nuke: You're with some work friends and everything is all casual and you're eating some burritos at lunch and someone sneezes and some beans and lettuce and shit flies across the table and, unguarded and laughing like in high school you go, "Daaamn nigga! Did you see what that nasty ass nigga did? Daaaammmnnnn!"

What follows is invariably the longest and most awkward silence imaginable. People all working in overdrive to process what they heard with their own two ears; processing what to say and what to do. No eye contact at all. You can read on their now sullen faces, "I can't believe he just said the 'N-word...and he's African-American. How self-loathing!" Things get quiet and you have to subsequently pal up with a whole new set of lower-level office workers for Chipotle because the old gang is invariably and forever "too busy with the Miller account." Sucks but true, you've been demoted and subsequently shunned for a Class A (level 1) potty mouth infraction.

Scenario Two - Busted!: You're in neighbor Brad's garage and the radio edit of Cypress Hill's "Insane in the Brain" comes on. Everybody's singing along, and boppin' and going, "So kick that style/Wicked wild/Happy face [barely audible mumble] never seen me smile/Rip dat mainframe/I'll explain/A [another barely audible mumble] like me is goin' insane." So you go, "Hey Brad, you've heard the album cut, right? Brad nods, turning red and tensin' up. It's OK, you assure, you can sing all the words. And Brad goes, "Oh, no, no, no, I could never say that word; the N-word? No, no, no, not me. Especially with you here. The N-word is off limits for sure."

What? Selective linguistics? Semi-lingual? Brad explains that the "N-Word" is totally and permanently off limits to anyone other than "people with the inherent and congenital permission to use that word." "It's unacceptable." Nigga please!

Scenario Three - Self-Loathing Niggas: You're finally among people who you assume have your back. You totally feel peace and solidarity. You're at a closed door session of the Chamber of Commerce African-American Connectivity Alliance and someone says something old-school funny about somebody's "yo mama" and you casually and easily exclaim, "Ha-ha, niggas doin' what a nigga do, huh?" when every black face in a room full of black faces (only) look at you the way with that only yo mama or your wife looks at you. The about-to-be-scolded face.

The Lecture follows about how only "self-hatin'" black people still use the "N-word" anymore. How even Paul Mooney and David Chapelle have stopped droppin' the "N-word." Blah-blah-fucking-blah Bill Cosby blah-blah-blah.

Pussy. Cunt. Faggot. Kike. Nazi. Retard. Nigger. Fuck George Carlin for dying the first and only time I've ever needed his unfunny, hippie schtick! Give this nigger a break.

Hello? It's just a word. No harm, no foul. As I teach my second grader, words can have power and words always have context. So in the appropriate context, there is a use for all words. I'm not suggesting anyone--especially anyone lighter-skinned than a paper grocery bag--should ever call anyone a nigger, but--THE ANSWER TO THE ETERNAL QUESTION--can a white person actually say the N-word? Yes. Blanket permission. From here out. From me on behalf of all African diaspora vacationers of America.

Here, go ahead and try it: Nigger. No, try it again because nobody's around and you need some practice: Nigger! Careful, not all angry sounding like you're from somewhere south. It rhymes with "bigger," "trigger," and "digger." C'mon, it's so easy (and you have permission now). Stop! Don't do it like you're mad like someone snatched your purse. Try it first within positive contexts, like the coloreds always do. Go ahead, here are some rudimentary exercises. Just substitute the fabled N-word in the following situational examples.

Exercise 1 - Word Substitution

Insert the word "nigger" (style-guide hint: pronounce as, "nigga" if you want) into the following [brackets]:
  1. You're my [best friend], Julie. You always make me laugh at just the right times.
  2. Hey, [Roger], please pass the sugar, this office coffee is always so bitter.
  3. I saw the game too, Manning was playing like a [football quarterback] possessed.
  4. Charlie, did you fax the press release over to the [folks] at the New York Times.
  5. [Sally] please, you do the very best Katie Couric impersonation!
See? Do I need to print up some nigger permission slips or something? But remember, there is a great responsibility I've given you. And no guarantees that you won't get your ass kicked for saying it.

So stop with all the "fronting", will you?