Quit Frontin': Stereotypes are Funnier Now

So we all know by now that progressive black people either 1) totally dissociate themselves from old colored stereotypes or they, 2) totally embrace every old negro stereotype from all of black history; to repossess and thereby own them. There are no shades of gray - only black and white.

You're only going to observe the progressive black be all uppity and politely-but-respectfully pass on the watermelon and Kool-Aid at the synagogue picnic (imagine Condoleezza Rice), "Oh, no thank you very much, but I recently participated in a luncheon and am, therefore, full from eating" or you'll witnes a whole Eddie-Murphy-as-Buckwheat routine with all the "ooooh-wheeees" and "yeeeass lawd, hows I's lubs me some wahmellens" and such (in this case, imagine one Mr. Dave Chappelle). You know exactly what I'm saying.

Oddly, I'm a mix of the two. I'll generally pass on the orange soda and grits for principle. But if it came down to it--to shock and entertain--I can be 110% black-face minstrel show. My existence is classic! You know it is!

And as we've become a nation of PC crybaby coward-patriots, we have also become a nation of liars. We lie as individuals and we lie as corporations. This became clearly apparent when Kentucky Fried Chicken (the KFC Corporation) not only stopped putting the blacks in their ads, but they actually changed their restaurant name--twice!* Colonel Harlan opened up Kentucky Fried Chicken, which brilliantly tells you everything you ever need to know: white man from Louisville sells inexpensive lard-fried chicken. Doy, blacks love it; poor people love it. So what? It's quick, easy, cheap, and tasty. This is America!

Then the company flinched in the PC '90s when they went straight three-letter name calling themselves KFC suggesting that their motto was "Kitchen Fresh Chicken." Kitchen fresh? Haha! I've been in a KFC before. Nice try. I say they flinched because the health conscious weren't going to go to KFC anyway; that move wasn't an overt capitalization on a revenue stream like this year's Kentucky Grilled Chicken! [so it must be good for you]

Then KFC dropped the "kitchen fresh" schtick, and like UPS, the letters suddenly and magically "without official representation." Then, in 2007, they started using "Kentucky Fried Chicken" in company literature again. Like anyone even cares. It's not like KFC's gonna lose or gain 10% in annual revenues by changing a name every other week. Sure a NASCAR driver (code for white) can sell a bit more chicken but let's be candid, aren't poor people and black people the corporate white bread and butter in the fried chicken industry?**

So the white, well-groomed and attired, upper middle-class, suburban advertisement family being so ecstatic that bring-home-the-bacon mom brought home a bucket of thighs n' wings comes across as, what, disingenuous. What traditions does this family have? Some kind of ironic weekly "Darkie Meat" Nite? Do they brown-bag 40s too? Do they wear coolie hats on "Ching-Chong it's Chinese Food" nite? We can go on and on....

Frontin'! Lyin'! Thievin'! Remember back when "SunnyD" and "MickeyDs" were ghetto slang terms that the corporations wouldn't touch?

C'mon, it is perfectly acceptable to put the black people back into the KFC ads, the SunnyD ads, the KooL menthol ads (magazines), and of course each and every one of the Kool-Aid spots again. As far as I'm concerned, nigga™ that shit up to the max (nigga™ as trademarked verb). Not only would it be honest marketing, it would also be funny as hell. NOTHING looks as stupid and as dishonest as white people in a magazine ad enjoying some KooLs.

In fact, and while you're at it, "Madison avenue," it is also now perfectly acceptable for Toyota ads to feature buck-toothed "Japs"; for Kosher National hot dog ads to feature klezmer party music and a violin playing rabbi (who joyfully blesses the pre-wiener eyeballs and snouts); and, for each and every pasta or pasta-industry product ad to prominently feature Tony Sirico as Pauly Walnuts, "Whoa, Tony! Looka at that spread, willya!"

Because. It's. Funny. And there's nothing wrong with funny now that Brock O'Baughmaugh is your friendly president. So as worldwide representative of People of Color (and America's Black Friend™), I grant blanket permission not only for the KFC Corporation to put black people back into their ads but for every merchant of product everywhere to use every stereotype in the little black encyclopedia of stereotypes; riff on the chicks, the homos, the spics, the nerds, and the 'tards. It's okay because this is America. Just don't wear fur, right?

To the blacks and the black elite in particular: you have to remember that all stereotypes are based on smidgens of historical truths else it wouldn't be so stingingly offensive, or so damn funny. Get past it. You're president now. Even Barack does a little shtick here and there; or, at least he did during the campaign. Now he's just boring like white people. So quit frontin'.

And to the PC liberali (code for white): on behalf of blacks, gays, the poor, children, Asians, and every other underrepresented group...c'mon, lobby yourselves up some perspective. Do us all a favor and go spend your free time ironically resurrecting something like bowing or Queens or Pabst Blue Ribbon or some shit.

Quit yer frontin'!

* Yes, this is an intentional companion to BN's SC piece. So don't even tell me I stole shit. We discussed this.
** And do I sadly need to remind you that poor and black are highly correlated?