Sammy MF Sosa, WTF?

So what's the deal with Sammy Sosa? [clicky] WTF? Whitening The Face!

Remember that time when Sammy Sosa played baseball? He played baseball for a couple of big league teams, took some steroids, and was involved in that resurrection-of-baseball home run chase of of 1988 with scary Mark McGwire. People liked Sammy because he was this cute, dark, heavily accented, béisbol knocker who pointed up to Jesus when he crossed the plate. Compared with that lumberjack beast-man Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa was like the perfect little comedic sidekick. Kind of like a little Hispanic Emmanuel Lewis, or a tiny Latino Gary Coleman.

Well, little Sammy Sosa--dark-skinned Dominican home run monster--has finished his baseball career blah-blah-blah and has turned himself white. Not that being white is a problem but turning yourself white is, to me, really, really fucked-up. Says it's a cream to keep his skin soft.

I know that people who are already white spend too much time and money and effort turning themselves brown, but that's already established as a mopetarded pastime. In fact, because karma is such a bitch, the harder you work to turn white-to-brown, the more you actively kill yourself. Haha! That tan goes great with your coffin.

But the brown-to-white conversion baffles me. Sure Mr. Sosa has tons of money and tons of time and there's the whole Hispanic/Latino hierarchy of skin-tones thing to contend with (although the money aspect trumps the color aspect), but will you LOOK AT THE GUY? He's channeling Desi Arnaz, right? Can I get a witness? C'mon! I totally nailed that one.

I suppose our only real celebrity comparison is with the late, great Michael Joseph Jackson from Gary, Indiana. But as disturbing as it was that Mike turned himself white, nobody was really surprised. In some weird way, Michael Jackson's "transformation" seemed to be pretty normal...for MJ; almost expected yet totally legendary. But for some weirdo baseball player who hit some home runs and took some steroids it seems a bit off.

Is Sammy Sosa crazy? Is it a penile size issue? Is he...rejecting his roots? Whatever it is, it's just not a very good look. Now, I could get all analytical and racial and psychological but that's just boring. So alls I'm going to say is that Sammy Sosa appears to be just another fraud, Cornelius.

Hey Sammy Peralta Sosa! Quit frontin'!