Quit Frontin': Stop Acting Like the Other Races are Fat, Ugly, and Retarded

Dear Mini Hitlers,

Let me say it here first, and if I'm bursting bubbles, well...just consider it to be some tough love on your simple asses. Knowledge is essential in the modern world.

[Sigh] Here goes: There is no master race.

I'll say it again: There is no master race. Not yours. Not (any of) mine. Not his. Not hers. There is no pure race. There is no ideal race. There is no better race. Not Nordic. Not Aryan. Not cradle of civilization. The Japanese are no better than the Chinese who are no better than the Koreans. Canadians are no better than Mexicans and Americans aren't better than either. Oh, see what just happened there? I mixed RACE with NATIONALITY. It happens all of us. We all do it. And there lies one of the fundamental problems of our age.

You see, hate is hate, it's never great. We all act like all the other races are so fat, ugly, and retarded. Just like we act like all the other nationalities are also so fat, ugly, and retarded. Black jokes. Mexican jokes. Polish jokes. And, hell, we do it with religion too. We're just some mean spirited beings. It's way too easy to self-inflate because human nature is easy. You never have to think, and you rarely even have to do anything. Human nature is auto-pilot over Minneapolis. We have to become more cognizant that, in reality, we are all the same. And there lies one of the other fundamental problems of our age.

So quit fucking passively-aggressively acting all superior by treating the other races as if only their race has fat, ugly, and retarded people because your race is equally fat, ugly, and retarded. Seriously stop it. Now, people. Stop it now. "Get along" like Rodney said.

Just the other day I overheard a young Asian woman saying the following: "Holmes? I mean I'd seriously kick her ugly, fat aaassss. I'd whoooop that aaaasssssssss! White people are so fucking stupid!"

What?! Yes, I overheard a second-generation Chinese woman talking like a black stereotype telling a white (probably gay) man that white people are stupid, ugly, and fat and that she desires to cause physical harm to that woman. I am not clear if this is absolutely horrifying or if it's completely incredible; a sign of progress through the magic of assimilation and social parity (rather than parody). And the kicker is my Asian woman subject was large, not good looking, and somewhat dim. See? Fundamental problem of our age.

Did you know that black people have specific phrases they use to demolish white people. Quips like, "no jumpin'" (the athletic ability to dunk a basketball), "no ass havin'," "hillbilly," "redneck," "cowboy," "slow runnin'," "flat-chested," "peckerwood," and "racist." "Racist" is the best...all being racist by calling someone else a racist is the height of ironic irony!

White people have specific words they use to demolish black people too. Well, they have one. One word: "Nigger." Nigger has so much power that it's always the FTW black-demolishing (or ass kicked guarantee) word. Okay, they also use "stupid," "big-lipped," "flat nosed," "big ass," "ghetto," "gangbanger," and "inferior." But nigger still always triumphs because there is no white equivalent. What? Cracker? Really? Honkey? Nope. Sadly, many white people are actually secretly envious of the perceived cred that comes with ghetto, gangbanging, large-assed blacks. Wiggers (or wigging?) as a phenomenon is organic?

Just so you know, if you're still dividing each other based on skin color, you're using old some old-ass pre-computer finger-counting General store mathematics. You're played. Dividing based on race-only cues is simply basic LifeSkills™ addition to the more future-focused vector and tensor analysis of social division: CLASS. Class is the new black (even after gay). But I digress.

Don't get me wrong, in our world it is perfectly acceptable to poke racist fun at people. Racist, sexist, classist, homophobic, and religion-based humor is terrific. Why? Because it's fucking funny, that's why! Seriously. Everybody knows that that stereotype humor is the funniest humor and people are lying if they say otherwise. Most of it has nuggets of truth, which is why it's so funny.

But, the other edge of that razor is when people actually believe that all the funny stuff represents actual delineations between the relative value and quality of the various human characteristics. It's not absolute, dumbasses.

Anyway, to sum today's lesson: remember, there is no master race, no best religion, no superior sex, no right sexual orientation, and poor and uneducated people are just as good as....uh, the poor and the under-educated are just as.... Oh dang! Dumb, poor people are people too (sorry, that's the best I can do for dumb and poor). Screw 'em if the can't take a joke. They're probably not buying my book either.

So stop acting like the other races are fat, ugly, and retarded. Quit frontin'!