Keeping It Real

What some people call "crazy" others call "keeping it real." And when you think of "keeping it real" who do you think of? It is Colio? How about Al Sharpton? Does Sarah Palin keep it real? Maybe Terrell Owens, huh? Does Terrell Owens keep it real? How about Mahmoud Ahmadinejad? 'Eh? Real enough?

Who keeps it real the most? I know I don't. I'm a huge lying phony son of a bitch so I definitely ain't keeping it real (although the use of "ain't" just now was pretty much in the spirit of keeping it real). Who is the arbiter of real amid an American landscape littered with pretense and cynicism [pan to Honest Injun with single tear falling down his cheek in sadness and disgust over who keeps it real]?

I suppose we have to properly define just what keeping it real (KiR) is, right? The Urban Dictionary kids have ranked the following definitions for KiR:
1) "A black person's excuse for being ignorant or doing ignorant shit. The person who says that they are "keepin' it real" usually claims to be denying pop culture and sticking with their own thing."

2) "The act of being yourself, usually by buying and wearing shit that everyone else has."

3) "When a black celebrity/athlete gets into trouble and his teammates/black commentators/BET media say he's "Keeping it real", as if it were assumed he is supposed to act like that. It is more or less a black-on-black racist term. (White people don't use the term and are largely unaware of what it means.) It says that black people are supposed to get in trouble with the law, thusly "keeping it real"; being true to their race."
When did the kids get so cynical? And so racist! It's not about race or clothing. Keeping it real is philosophy, theory, and execution of how one can/should live a life. Egads and goddammit, we have to go all the way to number four on the UD list to even begin an intelligent conversation about Keeping it Real, motherfuckers. Read, people:
4) "Staying true to yourself, your faith, your life and constantly seeking the truth.

You are keeping it real as long as you do not harm yourself or anyone around you physically mentally or spiritually. You try to benefit the environment and society that surrounds you and eventually serving humanity for the greater good.

By keeping it real you are authentic and do not follow the geopolitical or corporate economic norm, but you strive to develop a norm that is centered on peace, truth, and unity."
Fuck, people! Number four? Four?! Staying true to yourself, your faith, your life and constantly seeking the truth. That's keeping it real. Damn! So let's answer today's question, who keeps it real the most?

The obvious answer is: Ted Nugent. Not Ted Nugent the rock star probably best known for "Cat Scratch Fever." Not Ted Nugent the insane bow-hunter. No, Ted "Ted White and Blue" Nugent, the manifesto writing Ted Nugent, the "outspoken and controversial" Ted Nugent who definitely keeps it 100% for real. See UD definition number four above, again. That is Ted Nugent.

This Ted Nugent:
- "There are hundreds of millions of gun owners in this country, and not one of them will have an accident today. The only misuse of guns comes in environments where there are drugs, alcohol, bad parents, and undisciplined children. Period."

- “Obama, he’s a piece of shit. I told him to suck on my machine gun. Hey Hillary. You might want to ride one of these into the sunset, you worthless bitch…. Freedom!"

- "Able-bodied Americans who refuse to work will be sent to Cuba, Mexico, England and France."

- "I'd instruct the U.S. military warriors to do their job — win the global war on terror right now and eliminate all threats from all sources by any means necessary."

- "I would take appropriate gas and oil from Mexico and the Middle East as payment for all debts we are owed by them."

- "Let's say I just love to shit in the river. That's my pursuit of happiness. I've got a less than desirable pursuit of happiness. I would make sure that I didn't shit upstream of you. You know what I mean. I can't pursue that pursuit of happiness because it would fuck up yours if you're downstream. It's about cause and effect. It's about being cognizant of your cause and effect and altering it so that, not only don't we want anyone to tread on us, we review our treading to make sure we're not treading on anyone else. So, yeah, libertarian, but with a sense of consciousness."

- “Turned off by the work ethic and productive American Dream values of their parents, hippies instead opted for a cowardly, irresponsible lifestyle of random sex, life-destroying drugs and mostly soulless rock music that flourished in San Francisco.”

- "I have never done a drug in my life. I have never smoked a joint in my life. I took two tokes off a joint with the MC5 one night and almost gagged and thought it was stupid. And that's it. I took two tokes off a joint once. I snorted one line of cocaine. And one line of crystal methedrine before my draft physical—but God, that was worth it because I wanted to see the look on the Sergeant's face. That's it for drugs.

I went through a basic period in my life of saying (softly) "No, no thanks" to a period of (yelling) "NO! GET HIM THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!" To when people would offer it to me I would just go fuckin' nuts. People would offer me drugs and it was just like they were holding a razor to my fuckin' arm. And I'd go wild because I considered it an affront.

Because every time we were late, every time an amp didn't work, every time a car wasn't serviced, every time there was a fuck up, it was because someone was stoned. PERIOD! And it was a fuckin' thorn in my side and I kicked fuckin' ass. It was the only way I was able to clean house. And the only way I could impress people to keep the fuck… I've had guys come at me and go:

(in a slurred voice) "Uh, wow, Ted. How y'doin' man? Right on. Uh, where's your Strat? Your Strat, man. C'mon, you always played a Strat! The time we did the cocaine together you were playin' the St—"


- To Sarah Palin: "As a proud fellow American hunter, fisherman and lover of Alaska's soul cleansing magnificent Spirit of the Wild, we who live our American Dream by God, truth, logic, goodwill and decency, thank you for bringing such defiant common sense and self evident truth back to the GOP and politics. We wish you Godspeed for the best hunting and fishing season of your life and pray to God almighty that you bring your bold spirit to the White House."
How do not love that honesty? That patriotism. That espirit de corps. Ted Nugent is a nigga who keeps his shit for real 24/7/365 x 60. God bless!

Thank you Uncle Teddy

Sincerely and love,