Ask Ty...March 6 [The Red Lobster Question]

It must be Tuesday Friday, Middlespace Cadets, because I'm answering your questions

Q: Dear Ty,
I went to dinner with Aaron last night. His new housemate, "Ron," wanted to take Aaron and his other housemate out. "Ron" said he'd been seeing this ad for Red Lobster on the teevee box and it worked on him, and he wanted to go eat there. I don't understand why anyone would intentionally go to a Red Lobster, but, whatever, I went with them to hang out and meet his new housemate.

I noticed there was an absurd amount of black people there. This wouldn't normally be something I'd notice, being post-racial and all. But, what got me to thinking is, "Ron," Aaron's new housemate, is black.

So I'm wondering if this ad that got Ron all inspired to eat there was somehow targeted to black people, or is this some cultural thing I'm unaware of? Being 3/4 Octeroon, 2/3 Mullato, and half-jew, I thought maybe you'd have some insight on this matter.



Ty: Good question and an even better observation, Dave.

First of all, you're a racist with your "I wouldn't have noticed it" bullshit. Just accept the fact that you and everybody else is racist and the term post-racial is meaningless until all of G-d's children are the same shade of beige.

The fuck I know about a Red Lobster? But holy shit if I didn't type, "Black People"+"Red Lobster " in the the Google Machine and notice that there like 304,000 queries and 13,100 hits. I had no idea.

Here's the first hit is from the Web site called Things That Black People Like (doy!) - I'll copy the entire entry because it's not much and I just don't really care (I linked their sorry shit):

No, Red Lobster is not a high-end restaurant that serves gourment [sic] meals, but they sell the best array of seafood at a cheaper price. Black people love crab legs, and this is the most popular place to get them. Let’s not forget about their strawberry lemonade to go with it. This restaurant has it all, cheap seafood and the best cold beverage since Red Kool-Aid. Don’t be surprised if you see groups of black people holding birthday parties, graduations, or wedding receptions at Red Lobster it is an everyday occurrence. While the noise is nothing less than it would be at a day at Chucky Cheese [sic], excuse the parade of balloons as well.

"Gourment" meals? What, you don't have spell check on the Things That Black People Like computers? What about style check or editing? What does, "or wedding receptions at Red Lobster it is an everyday occurrence" fucking mean? Try harder next time, please. [Fail points deducted].

I even took a look around TTBPL thinking that like Stuff White People Like there might be the the occasional gem among the dogshit. There was one, #15 Baby Powder. Nailed that one in fact, but not style. And the rest just kind of sucked. They lacked zing, they don't pop at all. Sorry, just sayin'. Believe me, I get my share of hate but they don't know shit about black people. The bigger problem is most of the entries have zero comments. I mean fuck, SWPL is getting 400-600 comments per itemized entry. Clearly TTBPL isn't written by black people. So clearly the writers aren't eager to tell their friends and families to look and comment. But, I'm not here to hate, just answer Dave's question.

Yes, black people love crab legs. Sure, that is true. But, nigga please this couldn't be written by a fo 'sho black person. Here's why: Black people love crab legs. That's fine. But black people will murder your fucking mother and newborn daughter for a goddamn skewer of shrimp though. See the difference? Zing and pop! Things That Black People Like needed to go this direction to make the Red Lobster bit even begin to work. Didn't you know the whole Crip v. Blood beef is over four All-You-Can-Eat shrimp from 1969? It's true!

The restaurant-of-choice evolution goes something like this: Black people fucking loved Sizzler. You remember Sizzler and you fucking lie if you claim you've never been. Everybody enjoyed Sizzler. But black people loved Sizzler so much they put Sizzler out of fucking business. And I suspect I have to explain how the black people put Sizzler out of business, right?

The short version: so many black people started eating at Sizzler that: 1) Sizzler couldn't afford all the All-You-Can-Eat shrimp promotions anymore. It just tapped the bottom line, and 2) White people became seriously afraid to eat somewhere that was 60% black people hopped up on AYCE shrimp. It got ghettoized overnight just like how Chuck E. Cheese got all white trashed (Chucky? Really, TTBPL? Chuck E., fools!).

So Sizzler when belly-up and black people with a serious shrimp Jones had nowhere to go. Red Lobster--the mid-level casual dining champion of the Darden Restaurants empire--recognizing that a large market of African-Americans who loves them some fucking shrimp was wandering around with money left in their pockets said, "Oh shit! If we can up the shrimp count in one ad campaign we can take all of their ill-gotten welfare and drug gang money."

Also note that the Sizzler-Red Lobster evolution arc also correlates with the timeline demonstrative of the rise and fall of the inner-city crack cocaine trade and epidemic. It's true!

Then in an effort to break even with the increased shrimp output, Red Lobster added shit like bottomless Orange Soda, Fruit Punch, and Sweet Tea. People hopped up on cholesterol-increasing shrimp do not notice that each drink costs like $5.50 each. Somebody at Red Lobster HQ must have gotten promoted to Corporate Genius and is driving a very nice Bentley or something as I type this entry.

Red Lobster is absolutely nigger-iffic! Crab legs? What-ever, TTBPL retards. Shrimp! Jesus Christ hells yesh, shrimp! All a brother has to see is one of those ads with a back-lit lemon flying around squirting juice all over a skewer of ShrimpFest® shrimp and you better not be his fucking way because he's gonna call up the entire "Fo 'Sho" Homeboy package and ruh-zoll up from the cri-zib and into the nearest Ruh-zed Lobby.

There's nothing gourment about the place at all. So fucking what? The place is designed for weed smoking homies. But Red Lobster also offers safety for our historically discriminated African-Americans. It's no ma & pa restaurant where you might get "Scurb" or "J.R." spitting "chaw" into your food or, worse, not serve you at all as the proprietor has the the right to refuse service to anyone, especially your black ass. Red Lobster is a very large chain, it's everywhere, and is a known scene, etc. Best of all, you don't have to tip. It's true!

As for me? I have never eaten nor have plans to ever eat at Red Lobster. As you mentioned, Dave, I'm a dirty Jew. The place is cheap enough, sure, but I just don't eat crustaceans, domestic pets, ape, or skunk. It's just how I am.

The bigger question, however, is my question to you: why does your friend, "Aaron," a grown man I gather, live in a fucking group house? Is he a homeless retarded junky felon or something like that?

Just a guess,



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