Quit Frontin': Our Commitment to Diversity!

Project start-up meeting:

"So, I [whitemale] will be the project lead, Jan you're going to do the preliminary development analysis component since you usually don't do that, and, uh, I guess Rick, can you take the contract management even though you've never done any contract management before ever in your life? We have two more assignments then: diversity applications [look toward me] and graphic design.... Heather, I know you're new to the organization, but can you learn Quark, study design theory, and maybe make up some four-color drafts of a design schema for us. And, Tyrone [everyone looks at me], I guess you can be in charge of diversity applications. Great, we're done..."

"But...but, I'm a graphic designer and a contract manager. And I have a Ph.D. in development analysis. You know that. I'd really prefer..."

"Yeah, but, you know? Uh, we feel that you might have so much to offer with...uh...the diversity stuff. Especially with the clients."

You know what I'm talking about because you've been in those meetings. The ones in the conference rooms with the big wooden table, glass walls, and view of other buildings across the way. Uncomfortably muffled, overheated rooms with one of those teleconference phones on the table andVideoConference TeeVee thing that never works.

Quit Looking At Me Every Time the Word "Diversity" Comes Up in a Meeting Because I'm Not the Spokesperson for all Black People

White people need to stop automatically assigning anything with the word diversity in it to the only Black Guy on your "team." Stop assuming that the only black guy wants to do anything with the word diversity in it and stop assuming that the black guy knows anything about anything with the word diversity in it. The only black guy on your team has probably been around whites more than blacks. I have. Stop assuming that clients who pay 34 percent overhead want to ALWAYS see The Black Guy on your "team" as the person in charge of diversity. That's just fucking all kinds of dumb.

[Full disclosure: Yes, I was the guy they always found to be in the photo for the university and corporate brochures as their way to demonstrate a "commitment to diversity".]

But first and foremost, do not look at me (The Black Guy on your "team") every single time that word is used. Why are you looking at me anyway? To see if I'm okay with its use; to see if I approve of the context? If it was used correctly? If I agree with its use? To see if I'm happily shuffling, tap dancing, and picking cotton when I hear the word? "OOOhhh massa, I's sho do loves wen you say diVersity. Sho yous right again, boss. Ummm hummm." I apologize in advance and for every only-black-person-on-their-respective-"team," but in 99 percent of these situations, we cannot approve things on behalf of all the black people of America (on earth). In these settings we don't know black from Chinese.

Diversity is a deep and serious subject which requires years of collegiate study, graduate school training, non-Wikipedia research utilizing the latest in inferential statistics, and years of career experience in order to begin to unpack the subtle nuances that might inform business, academic, and government organization that "diversity" is usually total mealy-mouthed, pandering bullshit! Diversity Training is, in fact, a trumped-up predatory industry that is as insidious as services that pertain to National Security, Wedding Planning, and anything to do with Modeling (no nudity? yeah right!). Think:Sub-prime mortgage.

Diversity is the gravy train for Diversity Trainers nationwide to accomplish what?

• Recognize that diversity will bring a greater skills base when managed properly
• Improve the overall climate on diverse project teams in order to improve satisfaction, reduce conflicts, and improve team member retention
• Encourage creativity, flexibility, and innovation among the team members which will allow the injection of new ideas and challenge the normal organizational mindsets

What? No it doesn't! That's a goddamn lie! Those fragments don't even make sense in the English language (just ask Justin Barrett, I'm sure he's had loads of "diversity training," right?). Diversity training is the same as "sensitivity training" - it's a bullshit safety net so that an organization doesn't get sued because someone whipped out an "oh, you people" or "bitch" card. Can I touch your hair? Diversity training is a universal You've-Been-Warned check-off box. Most organizations could skip that costly, insulting, boring nonsense by posting a sign on the outside of the door that says, "Do not call anyone faggot or touchanyone's titty because we'll have to fire you. This is your only warning!" The end.

So don't look my way when someone utters "diversity," I don't know shit about diversity. I grew up in the suburbs of LA. I still ride a skateboard and eat fucking sushi all day. I'm whiter than you because I've had to act whiter than you my whole life. I've never eaten collared greens and I've never shopped in that littleblackpeople section of the store with the hair processing salves, darker colored foundation and Magic Shave; that tiny racist section you look at with confusion. No, I don't know what a Ebonics is. Is that even a word?

On the other hand, black people need to stop acting like they know everything about diversity simply because they are a black person who may have taken a psychology class first year of college. What do people really know about anything other than their own perspective?

Our commitment to (preventing) diversity (lawsuits) is an essential part of the way we do business!

Quit frontin'!

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"Diversity!"