The Magic Texas TexBook Victory Celebration for America

How Magic Happens Pt. 3

In a comment from a previous post, Middlespace Cadet chRon from Canada, America's 51st and most desolate state*, asked me to dig into the continued manufactured madness of the whole Texas textbook controversy. Or should that be cleverly and selectively rewritten as: the Magic Texas TexBook Victory Celebration for America?

Predictably (and with a large, dramatic sigh), I've given some thought to this topic. It's not about textbooks. It's not about healthcare. It's about the children, dammit. And when a topic is important for the children, I have to act.

First off, I know people from Texas. I also know people who live in Texas; friends of mine! I've visited Texas on several occasions. In fact, I lived in Texas for a short period in my impressionable youth. So with all due respect and with no intention of generalizing or stereotyping here's what I've learned about Texas: Texas is a backwards, ignorant, defensively-inbred hellhole. And I'm serious too. Don't Mess With Texas? I'd rather mess with a seven-headed drunk, rabid, AIDS cobra.

Texas in the News: Rep. Randy Neugebauer of Texas [that's how the LA Times headlined it, not a particular district but "of Texas"] said his shrill and crazy "Baby Killer" outcry to Rep. Bart Stupak was MISTAKENLY INTERPRETED. He says he wasn't calling Stupak a baby killer but that Stupak's ideas and intentions and colleagues kill babies. Big of him to apologize, right? Once again the liberal media is trying to bring an honest man down for the deliberate use of his words.

Anyway, Don McLeroy, the conservative leader of the Texas Board of Education -- a competent dentist -- believes that "history" has skewed leftward. Because for all these years in all these United States the historic powers that be have been quietly and systematically diminishing the historical accomplishments of the white American man. Did I get his position right? Shoot me a comment if I'm off, okay?

What should heroic Tea Bag Patriots do about such mean and unjust actions? Change that shit, Don! That's what!

Some of the proposed changes to the Texas social studies and history curriculum include the following fact-based corrections (excerpted form Texas state BoE meeting minutes):

- The Constitution of the United States of America is actually the long-missing forward to the King James version of the Holy Bible as written in the American Language by God HIMself.

- Therefore separation of church and state is a liberal plot akin to the existence of dinosaurs, space, and Barack Obama's birth certificate.

- The original U.S. Capital building was a spacious golden cathedral built by angels but it was burned to the ground by histrionic black, Jewish, and female vampire devil-zombies searching for blood in 1902.

- Thomas Jefferson was a mentally retarded, black, Communist from Mars who was banished by John Wayne and Sam Houston to the two-dollar bill.

- Did You Know that Barack Obama's real father was Karl Marx, a homosexual Kenyan war criminal poet? It's as true a fact as the age of our dear planet: approximately 7,200-7,300 years old, by the way.

- It is well established that it was Ted Haggard and not Martin Luther King, Jr. who rewarded the kind men and women who participated in slavery with "Freedom®" AND invented the cotton gin so slaves were no longer needed anyhow.

- Freedom® was invented by the Halliburton corporation in 1993.

- Title IX is a Satanic plot to castrate men. If you play back a recorded version of the legislation backwards you will clearly hear references to "the creation of a new Lesbos ideal" and "I want a job too."

- Freedom® of choice is a historical reference to "the importance of personal responsibility for life choices” including suicide, violence, sexuality, drug use, and eating disorders. All of which make George Wallace cry in heaven.

- In World War II, Japanese-American citizens were offered vouchers for luxury summer camps to alleviate the stresses related to the depiction of their countrymen as "war mongering Japs" by the liberal media.

- Hispanics are the kind men and women who volunteer to pick our lettuce and clean our toilets but have opted out of American schools because they don't want to interfere with our superior way of being. They are semi-feral.

- Global warming only applies to liberals, non-sports-playing blacks under the age of 27, Jews, Mexicans, women, and "Europeans" who believe in an historical anomaly called "science." In fact, if you go into a darkened bathroom and say "science" three times you will be eaten by Dennis Kucinich's gigantic wife.

- Ronald Reagan, the founding President of the Earth, still delivers presents to the good boys and girls of the Earth on CHRISTmas eve in a rocket powered '72 Chevy Camaro powered by Dick Cheney's first two hearts.

- Mt. Rushmore is an important American monument that consists of giant carved faces of George W. Bush, Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter Randy Neugebauer, and Don McLeroy.

- A "Muslim" is the product of an African-American and a Mexican, obviously.

Pop quiz:

Q: Why is Glenn Beck crying again?

A: Glenn Beck is crying so you don't have to.

Clearly the Civil War is unending and perpetual.
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* From The History of Everything, a new Texas TexBook.

"Health Care Reform", Or, The Day We Magically Became Death Panel Socialist Baby Killers

How Magic Happens Pt. 2

You know, I've held my tongue on a bunch of the political topics for a while now. Some of us have had really good sidebar conversations though. I figured that since most of you already know my positions it's just no fun to post them here. Boring windbaggery is nobody's friend.

"Political discourse" has just been kind of crazy if not plain stupid lately. Insanity in the Congress, new black president, and this whole idiotic Tea Bag thing really gives rationality and partisanship a rough go. It's like all the crazy vaccines-cause-autism kooks have wrestled away all discourse. Oh, wait. They did. Politics have been so disheartening lately--so much so that I felt that by actually devoting any time and energy to writing about politics was shooting downward, intellectually--that I let my responsibility as an opinionated American lapse to a degree. I feel like I'm sometimes wandering in a desolate landscape of decayed logic.

But that's one of the biggest problems with us liberal, egghead, "progressive," non-party-affiliated observers who are willing to throw darts at both sides and not carry the banner for either. We get to a point where it's just cool and easy to pretend that we aren't really paying attention because it's all so much below us and such. But we are paying attention. And we're appalled. We are seriously fucking horrified.

Like I mentioned yesterday somewhere, I watched far too much NCAA and CSPAN this past weekend. It's all blurring together. Boehner (pron: "boner") all cross-over dribble-driving to the hoop and such. Obama going left. But despite the NCAA's, we are paying attention. I mean, shit, I woke up to a txt from one of the hipsters intellectuals that said, "YES WE CAN." For real, he thumb-typed that stale old Obama campaign slogan. We act like it's beneath us but we are, after all, also Americans too; as "real" and as entitled as any. And we read. And we reason. And we see the bullshit for what it is: bullshit. And the Republicans (oh, yes I did) are completely bullshit over this Health Care Reform nonsense. Sure the Democrats are incompetent, ridiculous, and shameful, but the Republicans are blatantly lying, manipulating, 'fraidy cats. The so-called outrage is 100% manufactured as a vast right-wing conspiracy. Remember when people said Hillary Rodham was insane for saying that? Doy, right?

I'm not going to get all wonky or technical here because Health Care Reform is boring as shit. I'm wildly intelligent, politically savvy, and aware of the push-pull that is Washington and I can hardly stand discussing Health Care Reform. It is boring. And I bet you dollars to doughnuts that very few of the crazy-kooks "protesting" to "take back America" on the Capital lawn understand what the hell they are protesting about, specifically. Besides, Health Care Reform is only a straw man; a metaphor for what's really happening.

You see, the "protesters" actually DO know why they are protesting in general, and here's my point today. These Tea Party "Patriots" have been convinced that they have been backed into some sort of corner and are, get this, defending America. As Seany Hi-Def Tweetered last eve, "It's amazing how many old angry white men still think they run the country they stole to begin with." Interestingly, Hi-Def is both white and male and could explain what "Don't tread on me" really means. How dare he? Well, he's right. He cleanly and succinctly summed up the whole goddamn fiasco. In the words of Frank Zappa, "we are dumb all over."

Somehow the "niggers" and the "faggots" and the "women" and the "socialists" and the "progressives" have magically used some kind of Fairy Dust (pun intended) to "transform" America into something that is actually a logical evolution of people and a genuine historical ideal than the John Birch Society fraternity. Whaaaa! the liberals are making the baby Jesus cry.

I was reading the liberal-communist Washington Post this morning in the Soviet Union of Panera Bread and could only say over and over to anyone who could hear me: This is so fucking embarrassing. What happened to American being bad ass, whip-smart, and fearless? Maybe everything I learned was wrong but I refuse to roll over and be some sad-sack crybaby because I didn't get my way somehow.

My hipster-intellectual "YES WE CAN" friend also txt'd me: "they should cut the balls off the 34 dems who voted no."

I was all, "No! That's exactly how the Republicans roll. At least the 34 had the wherewithal to vote the way they wanted to actually vote. What's scary is the 100% zealot obstructionism zeal on the Republican side. You mean somehow every single one of them felt exactly the very same way about the legislation even though they completely watered it down and changed it to be mostly conservative and business-friendly?" And therein lies the real problem: the only goal here for the minority was to exert some long-antiquated power over law, culture, and logic.

Clearly the Civil War is unending and perpetual.

And really, with that, I am literally out of words for this nonsense anymore. The liberal, egghead, "progressive," non-party-affiliated observer says, "whatever, doy."

How Magic Happens Pt. 1

Today I'm thinking about music. I don't know yet what this means or what it's going to mean. Am I gearing up for a new record? Dunno. Will I "gear up" this spring? Probably. I can feel that perhaps. Maybe it's the RM3 memories.

I probably love music more than anything else I do. If I were forced to pick one medium to pursue, it's all I'd do*. I'd give away my human organs in some cases. But I'm reminiscing...about how we learn what we learn about music and who who we learn about new music from. How our connections happen. How magic happens.

For instance (since this is playing now), a bunch of years a ago Joey Memphis sent me a couple of CDs via the Federal Express; for no particular reason other than he had a couple of albums he thought I'd like. One was utterly forgettable and long-forgotten. The other was Ruby Vroom by Soul Coughing. It's incredible and I cannot listen to it without thinking of Joey.

One Thanksgiving, like five years back, my young nephew Michael said he had a record he thought I'd enjoy. He loaded it onto my computer along with a bunch of other stuff. Turns out I didn't like the album, I loved it so much it became an immediate desert island favorite. It's incredible and I cannot listen to it without thinking of Mike. Oh the album? Blueberry Boat by Fiery Furnaces.

My old friend Jacques one day said (in like '97), you should listen to this record. You'll like it. The artist was Jon Spencer Blues Explosion. The album was Orange. It's incredible and I cannot listen to it without thinking of Jacques.

Influences come from so many places.

Ben got me back into the indispensable Tribe Called Quest.

Rickey Powell (Berkeley) turned me on to Ben Harper, Beck, Phish, and Ween.

I learned of Deltron 3030 from my RM3 partner Jason "Court Williams" Letkiewicz.

About the only person who appreciates Frank Zappa as much as I do is Big Dave Wave.

I was introduced to NWA by a 25 year-old, white, Minnesotan woman (Lutheran, doy) in graduate school.

I happened to walk into a record store at the beach with Christine Christan when Battles' "Race-in" was playing.

Seany Hi-Def is all about the Wu (and slapped me with Enter the 37th Chamber and Enter The Magical Mystery Chambers).

Associations matter.

I almost wrote about how delighted I am that my music influences had such good taste but that's pretty silly. As our tastes are shaped and we narrow our likes (and dislikes) we are naturally going praise our influences.

And there's the wasteland of the stuff that didn't take? The Doors never took with me. Indy pop doesn't do a damn thing for me (and no, the Decemberists are not indy pop). I was big on jazz and orchestral music in my late teens and early 20s but that has waned into a healthy appreciation. I tried punk but it didn't stick. I had to learn to like the Police and Soundgarden when I was initially resistant.

And some music I feel like I discovered. Like Lenny Kravitz. I remember catching pre-Let Love Rule buzz (pre-internet buzz) and thinking, Roxy Roker's boy? Flaming Lips too. There was something decisively salient about "She Don't Use Jelly" that compelled me to investigate further. And the like. I won't go on (like Easy Star All Stars, can I get a witness?).

I suppose the people who have introduced me to the most influential music are some of my most important friends (and I know I'm leaving out some extremely important people and influences out here, but what can I do? I GOT TGA!). But when the magic happens, associations matter.

That's all.

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* Interestingly, I just had the "how tK0L evolved from a lifestyle to a band to an arts collective" conversation this weekend.