Ask Ty...May 24

Q: I find as I get older that I have to wash my ass a lot more frequently. Like, my ass-morphology has changed such that my buttcrack is now generating additional funk. Or I'm in the shower after a long day and some 12-hour old micro-turd drops out from between my cheeks.

What's that about and do I need to re-learn how to wipe? – RP, California

Ty: RP, good question and an even better observation. Tell me about it! Just the other day, I had to dig out the gnarliest…. Never mind. Yes, as we age, we expand and, sadly, as we age, we become more, say, hirsute.

Feces are generally sticky, it sticks to our fat, hairy asses in ways we, as kids, couldn’t even begin to comprehend. We eat fairly large portions of American foods and given our American metabolism, we don’t absorb as much as we could (especially since most of what we eat is crap anyhow <- get it?). We poop more and toilet paper competes with our fat, hairy asses for adhesion. Do you have to learn to wipe again? Probably not since you’ve obviously given it some thought. But, I’ve discovered that I’m now at a socio-economic status where I can afford the premium TP. That is, the good shit! From Cottonelle (Kimberly-Clark) alone there is Ripples, Ultra, and Aloe and Vitamin E.

On might argue that the future of ass wiping is looking backwards. That is, the corporations have discovered that if they sell flushable wipes to adults, the adults will use ‘em; just like baby wipes. Nothing beats the moist wipe. Nothing except the bidet. No shit!

The Biffy is the shit! For the fraction of the cost of installing a bidet or getting a bidet top for you toilet, you can get the Biffy attachment. Ass as clean as a summer day is long!

Just a guess. - Ty