Ask Ty...June 19 [The Gravity Question]

It must be Tuesday Friday, Middlespace Cadets, because I'm answering your questions

Q: Dear Ty,
Why are we so convinced that in the future we are going to be able to defy gravity? For example, in Back to the Future II we, as a species, have developed multiple devices that defy gravity. Skateboards, even! We are so efficient at defying gravity that we can provide skateboards at price points accessible to teenagers! Need I remind you that Back to the Future II takes place in 2015, six short years from now.

As far as I know, there is no major effort underway to defy gravity. Bush said let's blow up the Middle East and put a dude on Mars, but I don't remember anything about basketball shoes that let you walk six inches off the ground and allow midgets to dunk. And Obama, well, if you read between the lines you can see that he's as anti-anti-gravity as they come. Gravity-sympathizer.

Anyway, how come in 1985 it made perfect sense that by 2015 we'd no longer need wheels and tires, yet in 2009 no one is even talking about it? If the GOP wants to return to power, anti-gravity is their ticket.


Ty: Good question and an even better observation, McFly. Those movies sucked, dude. Really, really terrible shit. Go watch the first BTTF and you'll agree: dogshit, McFly. The first one was novel, but he other(s) were total dogshit. In the summer of '85 I actually worked at the mall where they filmed the outside-the-mall sequences for the first BTTF, Puente Hills Mall. The filming of a "major motion picture" was the talk of the mall. I worked for Davis Lighting. I worked in the back workroom, building, repairing, and wiring all sorts of home and business lighting solutions. I was a wire monkey. It was probably the best job I ever had. Summer gig. Fun as hell. Good people. Loads of fucking around involving tools, electricity, and light bulbs. It was the only job I ever took a pre-job lie detector examination for. And although I must have lied about numerous things, I got the job. I was all, "really?!" when they called with the offer. I mean, 'have you ever taken drugs,' and 'have you ever stolen anything from an employer' are the heart and soul of the American worker, right?

One day, one of my pals who drove the van Davis Lighting between locations was waiting for a UPS and some other delivery truck to leave before he could back in to unload or whatever. I was all, 'Dude, I could fit it in there.' I may have called him "pussy" or something guys do. He was all, "No way...try it." He gave me the keys. I think I scraped the UPS truck pretty badly but no one ever said shit to me because I wasn't supposed to be driving the van and my friend got major shit for letting me. Rules, don, rules! And use your mirrors (I learned that with the A/V van in college).

Just like the armored car driver for the jury trial I just finished (rules mostly, and mirrors probably apply too). He watched his partner get gunned down (killed!) and robbed. He left the truck to check on his partner after crashing his armored truck into the getaway car and watching the crooks run away to carjack a getaway car 'round back. He was able to thwart a clean getaway and provide key witness testimony. But his rules stated that he never leave the truck, to stay with the money. His job was to call 911 and wait...with the money. But he got out to check on his partner's well-being. He got fired. His partner died. Rules, don, rules! And watch the money!

I mean, Jesus, your work partner, your friend--who you worked with exclusively for over a year every goddamn day--takes five of at least a dozen 40 calibre and 9mm rounds fired at him and you're supposed to sit there like a mope? Jay never got his gun out of his holster. Rules vs. honor. You make the call.

Heroes have been shat upon every day of human existence.

But, McFly, to answer your question I offer: In 2015 we'll still need wheels and tires to roll around in our tiny, slow, dumb electric homo cars (all wishing we had Camaros and Chargers and GTIs). Obama may still be president in 2015...all gray and wrinkled and looking like he sees ghosts with blood on their hands in every teleprompter (like W did circa '06). Gravity will have ruined his beautiful mulatto face. In 2015 we will not have conquered gravity like they've been suggesting in "major motion pictures" since time began, but they will still portray the conquer of gravity as something to be enjoyed in the very near future.

What I'm trying to say is...there are rules. And laws like gravity. And there is honor.

Just a guess,


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