Wednesday

Ask Ty...December 24 --SUPER HOLIDAY DOUBLE BONUS--

It must be Tuesday Christmas Eve, Middlespace Cadets, because I'm answering your questions

Q: Ty,
For context refer to St. Patrick's Day in Three Parts, Part III: [clicky]

And then tonight, I'm out at an Irish Pub (same one I was at during PB#6 [clicky]) with my employer Colin and others, and ask a guy at the table where he works, and he say Meve Starkus Productions, and I says, without the benefit of a brain-mouth filter, with a spot-on Scharpling delivery, "Oh. I'm sorry." And he responds quickly, to quickly [sic]. Oh, shit, this was supposed to deliver a laugh, not a, no, no, not a a...

"Why? Meve Starkus is my father."

Ha! Why am I suck a dick?

- Dave
[Ed. note: 3:02 AM]

Ty: Good question and an even better observation, Dave. First I love that you're drunk Ask Ty-ing (verb?) at three o'clock in the morning because in such state you are asking the questions that are really important to you. Your guard is down, your filters are AWOL, and you're just a fucking drunk damn mess. I'd take your wallet and wreck your car if I were there with you.
In such a state you are not asking the "how's my hair?" or "does my ass look fat in these jeans?" or "do you want another potato?" sort of questions but you're asking the questions that really matter in your life like:
"Why am I suck a dick?"

- Dave
Gee, Dave. I don't know why you suck a dick. Maybe you like to suck a dick, dunno. I didn't know you were bi or gay and would suck a dick and all that. I wish I knew in college because I would have let you suck plenty a dick. You could probably actually make a little cash sucking a dick, dick sucker.

Ooops! My trusty assistant, Corey, says he thinks you meant to ask why are you such a dick? Corey thinks that, given the context, "such" makes more sense than "suck." But I'm leaving all the stuff about you sucking dick because your typo makes me laugh, dick sucker.

You're not really a dick, Dave. You're a lot like me (except the dick sucking part). You are smart, quick, and superior (and I'm smarter, quicker, and more superior because I don't suck dicks). You take the opportunities given to you. And just like Scharpling, you took that set and spiked it home (except that you just told the interwebs that you suck dicks).

But, unfortunately, when you we brazenly seize these opportunities we sometimes run the risk of stepping in the shitpiles of German shepherds. You didn't know that you were going to accidentally disrespect the late Meve Starkus...to his only son's bereaving face. Did you get your ass kicked? I wonder. What a dick sucking dick move, Dave.

But it is my opinion that you are not a dick, Dave. You may suck a little dick but you are not a dick. You are just smart and quick and superior (like me). You are a Middlespace Cadet (that sucks some dicks). You are Middlespace Cadet Dave the Dick Sucker (new "handle"). It's okay; let it slide.

Bigger question (DDS <-- Dave Dick Sucker) is why are you at bars askin' dudes where they work? Why you hittin' on guys, Dave? Were you actually trying to suck dick?

Just a guess,

-ty

--------- SUPER HOLIDAY DOUBLE BONUS ---------

It must be Christmas because all the questions are about fellatio. This was also in my inbox:
Ty,

Does sucking one's own dick make one gay?

Now, before you go all Dan Savage on me and start saying some shit like "of course it doesn't, you're doing it to yourself, so just like jerking off doesn't make you gay, how could this?" Please note, I did not ask does sucking one's own dick indicate one is gay, but, does it "make" one gay. As in, if I do it, will I start craving someone else's cock in my mouth? Is auto-fellatio a gateway to the "harder" stuff? If I can possibly bend myself in half far enough, if I one day lose the 20lbs necessary to do this, or if my dick miraculously (it is Christmas, after all, help me Jesus!) grows another couple inches (couple??) and I'm able to get that thing between my lips, even just the top of the tip of the head, will I need a cock sucking intervention in a matter of months? Will I be up to my eyeballs in dick? Will I skip work and miss meals to give lob-jobs down at Port Everglades?

Just wondering,

Merv
Good question and an even better observation, "Merv." Blah-blah-blah. Yes, you are a dick sucking queer, "Merv." Sorry, you are a dick sucking/craving queer, DAVE! Just signing an emailing "Merv" doesn't make it not from "Dave's" emailing account. Just signing "Merv" doesn't deflect from the fact that you sent two dick sucking questions, Dave.

Stop writing me with dick sucking questions, Dave. What's your problem? Just be happy that "you're wonderful, and you're alive, and you deserve every little bit of happiness that the universe has to offer anyone, no matter who or what you like." Even if it's dicks in your mouth.

Just a guess.

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Ask Ty... Archive: [clicky]